Category Archives: 50 Shades Recaps

I Can’t Do It

I know in my last post I said I would continue reading and re-capping 50 Shades of CRAP if you all wanted me to, but I just can’t do it. Today is day 7 of our vacation (yes it is 6:00am and I am blogging :)). We have been busy with day trips and running around having fun, so yesterday was the first time I got the chance to try and read some more. We swam for a bit, and then I went in to get the “book”. I settled myself by the pool in the shade and began to read. I only made it to page 175 (from 150). Then the following conversation ensued:

D: (peeking at me from over the side of the pool) Why are you torturing yourself?

Me: I don’t know. To have something to blog about?

D: It looks like you are in pain reading it!

Me: I am. It is truly the most awful book in existence.

D: Then stop!

Me: I think  I might have to.

Apparently I was visibly cringing while reading this pile of shit and D had been watching me. So I apologize dear readers. After this post, I am going to give the books back to my mom. I went on my Kindle yesterday and found a ton more books I would MUCH rather be reading, and I am going to do just that.

On to the recap:

At the end of the last installment, Ana had convinced Christian to let her talk to her roommate Kate about sex, even though she signed a document saying she wouldn’t. He then whisks her off to a restaurant in the woods where the waitress is of course attracted to Christian. Ugh!!!!! He orders for her and she scoffs at him, but then just drinks and eats what he wants her to. (After of course not being hungry again and him yelling at her that she needs to eat.) The conversation during dinner reveals that Christian was sexually abused by his mother’s friend starting when he was 15 and lasting 6 years. He was her submissive. It also reveals that he has had 15 subs since he became a dom. Ana is shocked by all of these revelations, but all she can think about is Christian in his pajama bottoms. Again. Apparently CG can really rock some pajamas, because that is the image she keeps recalling and getting turned on by.

He brings her home and drops her off. She is sad he won’t come in, and I am bored beyond belief. She gets out of the car and tells him, ” Oh…by the way, I am wearing your underwear.” CG is shocked and his mouth drops open. Really???  Then Ana “sashays” into the house and her inner goddess is apparently thrilled. From what I have read from other bloggers, this is the first of 7 billion references to Ana’s inner goddess.

Kate wants to know how it all went, and suddenly Ana is shy about it. Kate asks if he made her come and she thinks Holy Crap for the billionth time and affirms it. Kate then tells her about how first time was “horrid” and she didn’t have an orgasm from penetrative sex for a year after that. Correct me if I am wrong, but most women do not have orgasms from penetration alone. Yet CG is SOOOOOOOO HOOOOTTT! And SOOOO AMAZING!!! That he can make a virgin, who had never even touched herself, come wildly the first time. This is rubbish and completely unrealistic. They both talk about how they are sore from “overuse” (remember- Kate was having sex with CG’s brother while Ana was having sex with CG). Ana asks Kate about CG’s brother, and the following paragraph makes me want to jump off a bridge:

“Kate blushes. Oh my…Katherine Agnes Kavanaugh goes all Anastasia Rose Steele on me. She gives me a dewy-eyed look. I’ve never seen her react this way to a man before. My jaw drops to the floor.”

Really? I mean, c’mon, this is bestseller writing? Really? This is what all the women in the world are drooling over? I just do not get it.

The girls are moving house now that they have graduated, and there is a long, boring passage about the things that have been packed and the things that haven’t. Ana got mail while she was away, and of course she got 2 interviews for internships because everything is falling into place for her. Everything is perfect in the life of Anastasia Steele. Except that pesky guy Jose who tried to kiss her the night that CG turned into Edward Cullen and found her just in time. He has called a bunch of times. Wow.

Kate goes off to talk to CG’s brother on the phone, and Ana is left to think about her dilemma. Then “His burning gray eyes and that intense smoldering stare come into my mind’s eye, and my body tightens at the thought. I gasp. He’s not even here and I’m turned on.” Again, Ugh!!!

She thinks about what she is getting into, and whether she wants to or not. “If I’d not met him, I’d still be sweetly and blissfully oblivious. My mind drifts to last night and this morning…and the incredible, sensual sexuality I’d experienced. Do I want to say good-bye to that? No! screams my subconcious…my inner goddess nods in Zen-like agreement with her.” One question: how does she hear her subconscious? The definition of subconscious is that you do not realize it. Because it is SUB-conscious. As in below your consciousness..

I have to say, after that paragraph, I was ready to slam the book shut, but I could see that rest of the contract was beginning on the next page, so I pushed through.

Chapter Eleven begins with the infamous contract which reads like instructions for putting together a piece of Ikea furniture -you know it’s in English, but you can’t understand a word of it. It’s 10 pages of referring back to clause 2 on the first page, or clause 5, and is as insufferable as the small portion of it I wrote about in my last post. Oh, and it includes all of that passage in it too. In case we forgot the hard limits described 25 pages ago. Who could forget no urination or defecation or fire play or fire play again? This contract is the dumbest piece of shit writing I have ever experienced. Basically it states that Ana is Christian’s property for the period of 3 months, and that she would have to relent to his every sexual need. He can use whips and restraints at any time he sees fit, and she is not allowed to look him in the eye. This all sounds like a positive thing for Ana to do (not!) and it puts feminism back 30 years.

One positive note is that Appendix 3 has ben found! Holy shitballs! I am so excited! It’s soft limits! I can hardly wait!

APPENDIX 3
Soft Limits
To be discussed and agreed between both parties:

Does the Submissive consent to:

  • Masturbation
  • Cunnilingus
  • Fellatio
  • Swallowing Semen
  • Vaginal intercourse
  • Vaginal fisting (this is a soft limit???)
  • Anal intercourse
  • Anal fisting (and this??)

Does the Submissive consent to the use of:

  • Vibrators
  • dildos
  • butt plugs
  • other vaginal/anal toys

Does the Submissive consent to:

  • bondage with rope
  • bondage with tape
  • bondage with leather cuffs
  • bondage with handcuffs/shackles/manacles
  • bondage with other

Does the Submissive consent to be restrained with:

  • hands bound in front
  • ankles bound
  • elbows bound
  • hands bound behind back
  • knees bound
  • wrists bound to ankles
  • binding to fixed items, furniture, etc.
  • binding with spreaderbar (huh?)
  • suspension

Does the Submissive consent to be blindfolded?

Does the Submissive consent to be gagged?

How much pain is the Submissive willing to experience?

Where 1 is likes and 5 is dislikes intensely:
1-2-3-4-5 (not sure why this is here – makes no sense!)

Does the Submissive consent to accept the following forms of pain/punishment/discipline:

  • spanking
  • whipping
  • biting
  • genital clamps
  • hot wax
  • paddling
  • caning
  • nipple clamps
  • ice
  • other types/methods of pain

Okay, doesn’t that last one mean anything goes??

Ana thinks, “Holy fuck. I can’t bring myself to even consider the food list. I swallow hard, my mouth dry, and read it again.” And I think: Ana! What food list???? It’s still not written out here! How can you not even consider it if you haven’t even seen it???

I stopped here. I couldn’t get past how this “book” was sounding more and more like abuse and less and less like a love story with kinky sex. I cannot stomach even one more page of this trash.

I truly apologize to the 6 people who wanted me to read the whole thing. I just cannot do it. It is sucking the soul out of me. I need to read 6 good books to erase this one piece of shit book from my mind. Please do not waste your time like I did!

Advertisements

50 Shades of Why the heck am I reading this again??

When we last visited this craptastic book, Ana and Christian had just “made love”. Since I know you are dying to know what happens next, let’s get to it:

Christian disappears (as always) and Ana wakes up to a piano being played gently in the distance. She pads down the hall to find the mysterious Christian playing a sad tune. She first says he is doing this naked, and then sees he has PJ pants on. Why this is relevant, I will never know. They have another cryptic conversation. I think this scene is supposed to represent that Christian is a sad, sad soul and needs love, and we should all feel bad for him – but all it made me feel is an overwhelming need to scratch my own eyes out with a unfolded paperclip.

He orders her back to bed. (Seriously.) “Bed, Ana!” She turns like a wounded puppy and obeys. Again, this makes me feel like he is her father and that is just creepy! She wakes up and he is next to her, sleeping. Wait a minute -in the last chapter he said he never does that! He never “sleeps with” his Subs. E.L. James does not care about continuity, my dear friends, and neither should you apparently. Her exact words upon waking up are this: “It’s a beautiful May morning, Seattle at my feet. Wow, what a view. Beside me, Christian Grey is fast asleep. Wow, what a view.” I’m not kidding. This is the type of writing that garnered so much attention. I still don’t get it.

Ana has needs- “bathroom needs”- so she gets up and puts on his shirt and goes to the bathroom. She realizes she is hungry and goes to the kitchen. She decides to cook some breakfast, listen to an MP3 player and dance around, and Christian catches her. He wants her to eat. She starts to oblige and then he starts talking about her “training”. What training? she wants to know. “Well, since you are sore, I thought we would work on oral skills.” Ana nearly chokes on her pancake, and I throw up in my mouth a little. She is so eager to work on her oral skills that she doesn’t want to eat anymore. She wants to jump straight to it. “Eat!” Christian demands, and again, we are meant to deduce that there is some deep, dark secret about him that makes him have food issues. Why? If I knew that, and I charged everyone who read this turd-nugget of a book a dollar to tell them, I would be a millionaire. This does not add any depth to his character. It just makes him look mean.

She chokes down some cold pancakes, and they move to the bathroom where the tub is once again large and luxurious. They get naked, get in, and Ana goes to town on his peen. Apparently she can deep throat pretty good for a first timer and Christian thinks “holy crap!” and explodes. Again, is this really realistic? I mean, the woman has never touched herself “down there” and had never had sex prior to the day before, yet she knows how to give head??? Maybe there are some women out there who are great at all things sexual the first time around, but I always thought there was some kind of learning curve, no?

Anyway, they go to the bedroom where Christian “returns the favor”- only making her lie still and hold her hands over her head – and then fucks her silly once again, even though just 3 pages earlier he said he knew she would be too sore for it. Once again – continuity is not important. Keep that in mind as you read the rest of this series of posts, or if you actually torture yourself enough to read the books. It will help if you give up on all that you know about the English language as well. (I understand the phrase “kinky fuckery” is used later on – oh joy!)

All of a sudden they hear a voice in the hallway and realize Christian’s mother has shown up. He withdraws his member from her “down there” and she winces. Then he decides it’s a perfect time for Ana to meet his mom. Ha! Yeah, that is really when women want to meet your family – when they just fucked you and look like shit. All this after only knowing you for – maybe a week? I don’t know – time, much like continuity – does not matter.

So she meets his mom, blah, blah, blah, yawn, snooze fest. Then he has to get her home because she has to be to work at nine. In the elevator -(this book has a gazillion elevators. You cannot go three pages without them riding in one. I bet E.L. James was thinking, “It’s so amazing how they ride elevators isn’t it? I think I’ll add another reference to an elevator every 200 words or so. That will keep the reader interested!”) – she mentions to him that she needs to talk to the famous Katherine Kavanaugh. You know, cause even though she’s had sex twice, blew him, and is simply amazing at it, she still has questions about sex. Christian huffs and puffs about how she promised not to disclose their relationship and, in fact, she signed a non-disclosure form, and he can tell her all she needs to know. It takes all of 2 or 3 lines for the straight-laced, very private Christian to decide it’s okay if she talks to KK about it. What the wha???????? What is the purpose of the non-disclosure nonsense if you’re just going to back down in two seconds????

This is where I had to stop reading, and I haven’t picked it up since. I am on vacation next week, so I plan to try and read a bit more, if only to have something to blog about.

On a side note, I failed to mention my favorite part of this book in the last post. The contract he wants her to sign (which so far she has not). I have to type it all out for you word for word because it is so tremendously stupid that I could not put a stupider spin on it if I tried. Hold on to your hats! My thoughts are in italics.

Rules:

Obedience:

The Submissive will obey any instructions given by the Dominant immediately without hesitation or reservation and in a expeditious manner. Well that was overly redundant. The Submissive will agree to any sexual activity deemed fit and pleasurable by the Dominant excepting those activities outlined in hard limits (Appendix 2). There are appendices???!!! Yay!!! She will do so eagerly and without hesitation. Again, redundant.

Sleep:

The Submissive will ensure that she gets a minimum of seven hours’ sleep a night when not with the Dominant. Really? How will he track that if he is not with her? Also, was that ‘ necessary after the word hours? Doesn’t that denote possession? What are the hours possessing exactly? We will never know.

Food: Here we go again!

The Submissive will eat regularly to maintain her health and well-being from a prescribed list of foods (Appendix 4). I’m kinda pissed she never shows us Appendix 4. I am looking for a food plan that will maintain my health damn it! The Submissive will not snack between meals, with the exception of fruit. No swiss cake rolls?? no chips? This does not sound fun. But it does sound SEXY!

Clothes: Are you fucking kidding me??

During the Term, the Submissive will wear clothing only approved by the Dominant. The Dominant will provide a clothing budget for the Submissive, which the Submissive shall utilize. Uh, isn’t that what a budget is for? The Dominant shall accompany the Submissive to purchase clothing on an ad hoc basis. If the Dominant so requires, the Submissive shall wear during the Term any adornments the Dominant shall require, in the presence of the Dominant and at any other time the Dominant seems fit. I did not alter that sentence – or any of this for that matter. Yes, this is exactly how it is written. Makes you wanna run out and buy it now, doesn’t it?

Exercise:

The Dominant shall provide the Submissive with a personal trainer four times a week in hour-long sessions at times to be mutually agreed upon between the personal trainer and the Submissive. The personal trainer will report to the Dominant on the Submissive’s progress. Another misuse of the poor apostrophe. And who the fuck would ever agree to something like this??

Personal Hygiene/Beauty:

The Submissive will keep herself clean and shaved and/or waxed at all times. The Submissive will visit a beauty salon of the Dominant’s choosing at times to be decided by the Dominant and undergo any treatments the Dominant deems fit. Did E.L. James re-read this after she wrote it? It’s almost as if she blindfolded her self and just started writing random words. Also, if the Submissive is in charge of keeping shaved/waxed, then why does the Dominant have to choose the salon and treatments?

Personal Safety:

The Submissive will not drink to excess, smoke, take recreational drugs, or put herself in any necessary danger. Duh!

Personal Qualities:

The Submissive will not enter into any sexual relations with anyone other than the Dominant. The Submissive will conduct herself in a respectful and modest manner at all times. She must recognize that her behavior is a direct reflection on the Dominant. She shall be held accountable for any misdeeds, wrongdoings, and misbehavior committed when not in the presence of the Dominant. Are these all really “personal qualities”? Is who you sleep with a personal quality? Maybe I misunderstand the term.

Failure to comply with any of the above will result in immediate punishment, the nature of which will be determined by the Dominant.

Ana thinks Holy Fuck!, and I think, oh man, I have so many questions! Like: What about Appendices 1 and 3? Do Dominants only use even numbers? Ana has no such questions. The only thing she does ask about are hard limits. Ah yes! Appendix 2! Onward!

HARD LIMITS This is in all caps, bold and underlined in the book so you know they are SERIOUS! Also, note that these are Christians’ hard limits.

No acts involving fire play. What is fire play exactly?
No acts involving urination or defecation and the products thereof. Darn!
No acts involving needles, knives, piercing or blood.
No acts involving gynecological medical instruments. Pfffffttttt!!!!
No acts involving children or animals. Is this really a Dom/Sub thing?? If so – ewwwwwww!!
No acts that will leave permanent marks on the skin.
No acts involving breath control. I’m not even sure what this means, but it sounds dumb and unnecessary. Breathing is a hard limit? Really? It doesn’t fit with all the fire, defecation, urination, sex with children and animals, and gynecological instruments.
No activity that involves the direct contact of electric current (whether alternating or direct), fire, or flames to the body. Not only does he have issues with food, but apparently fire as well, since it is mentioned three times. Was no proofreading done to this pile of rubbish?

That’s all for now my dear friends. I hope you are enjoying your summer! Until next time….

More of the Worst Book I Have Ever Read

Okay, so where were we? Oh yeah, Ana and Christian just slept in the same bed. You know, I was thinking about this yesterday and whether I got a few events confused. (Like the helicopter ride may have come after this point). I almost went back to re-read some parts to make sure I was right, and then I thought, who cares?! This book makes no sense anyway, so if I get a few details mixed up, it’s not going to make a difference. So if you are here for an ‘accurate to the T’ re-cap, you’ll have to look elsewhere. But I can give you the general gist of things.

Anyway, they wake up, he tells her to shower, and his man-servant has bought her some clothes, including some apparently nice underwear. Again, who cares? So she showers and then runs her fingers through her wet hair because Christian doesn’t own any brushes he actually brushes his hair with – but he may own some he can spank her with. The man-servant has also bought her some hair ties – hallelujah! She then uses Christian’s toothbrush to brush her teeth and feels all erotic about it. Ewwww! You barely know the guy! He could have herpes or something!

I promise to write future recaps sooner after I actually read the pages because here it gets hazy. I’m pretty sure she just goes downstairs to see him and they get into the elevator together. Something you should know about Christian Grey is that he cannot control himself when a woman bites her lip. She is biting her lip. Every time she bites her lip (which she does over and over and over again), Christian gets an erection. Coincidentally, every time they are in an elevator, he gets an erection. (I don’t know about you, but the only thing I am thinking of when I am on an elevator is : Please don’t get stuck! Oh, has it gotten to the floor yet? God I hate that feeling when it stops. Please make the doors open!) She is biting her lip on the elevator, so Christian gets a double erection, says something like “F it!” and pulls her hair back so her chin is lifted up and plants one on her. He shoves his tongue in her mouth, lifts her up and presses her against the wall with his erection against her belly. (have I written the word erection enough?) Then he puts her down, the doors open and they step out.  Then he says “you brushed your teeth.”  Compelling stuff. He holds her hand, but I it feels more like a fatherly thing to me….This scene reminded me a lot of my high school days on the buses to away boys basketball games (for which I was a cheerleader – hahaha!). I was with this kid Chris at the time and he was basically laying on me, shoving his tongue in my mouth and slobbering all over me.  I have kissed a lot of guys in my life (before I came out) and they all kissed that way. Is that sexy to straight girls?

I have to stop here for a second and say that my sister-in-law apparently read this book and told my brother that that is the way women should be treated. I beg to differ. If I was straight, I would not want a domineering asshole as a boyfriend. I would want one that would treat me equally and with kindness. That cocky shit if for the birds. If someone pulled my hair and yanked my head back the first time they kissed me, I would pop them in the face and get the hell out of there!

He gets Ana home and his brother is there after just having boned the famous Katherine Kavanaugh. They are all over each other making out, and Ana is feeling pangs of jealousy. CG is very cold and not at all affectionate. Even though they have only “known” each other for about 100 pages, and Ana is presumably inexperienced, she for-shiz knows that the way CG is acting is not right. He nuzzles her a little to show he is interested and then he leaves. KK gushes over how much sex she just had and Ana broods about the fact that she did not get any.

Later – I think this is the point where she meets up with CG and he begs her to eat (he has clear issues with food, and once again he reminds me of a father, not a boyfriend – and that is just gross!), and she is too excited/nervous about what he is going to tell her. He forces her to eat anyway. This is when the helicopter ride happens. He takes her back to his place and talks about a non-disclosure agreement, which she signs, as soon as CG is done having his erection from the elevator ride from his roof. He says she cannot tell anyone about what they do, and Ana frowns about not being able to tell KK about all the sexiness that will soon ensue.

Then he brings her to the red room of pain love. She sees whips, chains, leather stuff, a bed, feathery stuff, baby oil, baby seals, baby turtles, baby elephants, oh wait, where was I? Oh yeah, she basically sees a torture/sexy time chamber and blushes. She reveals that it will be her first time and he scolds her: “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me sooner?” Well if that isn’t a way to treat a lady who just admitted she is a virgin to you, I don’t know what is.

He pouts, stomps his feet, broods and says, “okay, I will have to make love to you first. I don’t normally do this. I can’t get it up unless you are biting your lip, we are in an elevator, or I am wearing electrified nipple clamps.” So he leads her to the bedroom. He wants to know what she likes, but she has never even touched herself down there. That is what she calls her vagina for the rest of the 400 or so pages we have left (or so I have heard). Okay, I know women are supposed to be delicate and quiet and not know about sex and all that, but show me a woman who says she never explored her “down there” and I will show you a woman that is lying through her teeth.

He gets her undressed and breathes on her underwear and finally frees his enormous willy. He gets out a condom – thank maude!- and tells her it may hurt a bit. Now, I don’t know a lot about having straight sex. Admittedly, I only had it once, and it hurt like a son of a bitch! I have heard that the first few times  it hurts a lot of women. Oh, but not Anastasia Steele! She loves it from stroke one, and he pounds the shit out of her (while she is thinking “holy crap!” over and over). She apparently has not one, but TWO orgasms from this “love making”, which I also find highly unrealistic. When he is done with her, she falls asleep, and he leaves her.

To be continued…..This post is already long enough, though not as long as Christian Grey’s amazing member.

Let’s Give ‘Em Something to Blog About

Now that I have that song stuck in your head – you’re welcome! – let’s get down to the nitty gritty. I’ve mentioned before that I started reading 50 Shades of Grey over my vacation. My mother lent me the books and I have to admit, there have been such rave reviews about it- I honestly thought it would be a good book.  I was WRONG. This book is worse than the worst book I have ever read.

Let me start off by saying that I have no interest in BDSM. I am not into any of that type of thing. I am also not straight, as the title of my blog will tell you, so I went into this thing thinking that I would enjoy the rest of the parts of the story and maybe learn something new or interesting about BDSM. Or straightness – like why does it exist? No offense to the starighties out there 😉 It’s just a joke!

Have you ever heard the phrase “Curiosity killed the cat”? Well my curiosity has nearly killed me. Getting through this book is like sliding down a razor blade and landing in a pool of alcohol- not at all fun, and VERY painful! (But not in the apparently “good way” ;))

In Monday’s post I called this book “350 Pages of Yawn”. I went home and realized that the book is, indeed, several more than 350 pages. It’s more like 500. You would think I would be on page 350 by now, but alas, I have only made it to page 150. It feels like I have lost several years of my life. It is that terrible. One of my co-workers told me she couldn’t even get past chapter 1. To think this is a best seller is laughable! What are these other women reading, ’cause it sure as heck isn’t this book!

If you want to read a hilarious re-telling of the story, equipped with photographs of a puppet and a stuffed bunny re-enacting the scenes, you should pop on over to read Speaker 7. That will make you laugh until you cry. Unfortunately my post will probably just make me cry, as I can never live up to that kind of funny. Never.

Anywho, *SPOILER ALERT* this is what happens in the first 150 pages of 50 shades of Grey…………………………..nothing. Imagine reading 150 pages of a book in which nothing interesting happens. Ever. Anastasia Steele goes to interview Christian Grey because her roommate is sick and cannot do it. There is some talk about how she is from WSU (Washington State University) and Seattle and then about the interview being in Portland, Oregon. When she gets to his office it is huge and apparently marble or granite or some shit. Seriously, the descriptions in this book are terribly lame. You cannot get a good idea about these places from the writing. It’s like: “Christian Grey’s office building was, well, an office building. But really, really nice.” Everyone there is blonde and beautiful. She trips into his office and he catches her with his manly arms, and apparently really long fingers. Of course he is beautiful (according to straight woman standards), but her description of him sounds kind of icky to me.

They have a very boring back and forth about him and his “business”. Ana is unprepared and asks him dumb questions and he raises eyebrows and makes steeples with his hands. The most interesting thing she asks him is if he is gay, which of course he is not. She is embarrassed and then he basically offers her a job. Uh, WHAT?  I am f’ing up the interview I am giving on behalf of my sick roommate, and you want to offer me a job? I don’t think so buster! I’m not that easy! Oooh, holy crap! He’s steepling his hands! Swoon! Then he asks her a very confusing question. (At least to me, and anyone who knows anything about the geography of the US.) He asks her if she is headed back to Vancouver. As in CANADA. As in not the US and not in Washington. I’m not sure if she didn’t know and thought Seattle and Vancouver are the same place, or if she started with them in Vancouver and then changed her mind and forgot to go back and change it in the book. Come to find out (I just googled it) WSU isn’t even in Seattle! Anyway, so Ana goes off to go back to Seattle or Vancouver or the moon, and spends the whole drive thinking about Christian Grey and the “current” that went through her each time he touched her. That is the word she uses for every single time Christian touches her in the first 150 pages. Get a thesaurus woman!

She gets back and her roommate Katherine Kavanaugh puts her through the “Katherine Kavanaugh Inquisition” 110 times. She actually says those words: the Katherine Kavanaugh Inquisition – repeatedly. Compelling stuff! I don’t know how KK is going to make a great story out of the crap interview Ana gave, but apparently it’s like she shit gold sparkles all over and then Edward Cullen appeared – oh wait, that’s another book entirely – one that actually didn’t suck too much – that’s right, I said it – Twilight was WAY better than this drivel. Where was I? Oh yeah – everything is shit-tastic and KK can totes make an awesome story out of what Ana brought back. I don’t know how, because the only thing I learned from it is that CG has really long fingers, which was pointed out several times. Repetition should be the name of this book. She repeats and repeats and repeats and the reader is like, “Oh, I can skip these 4 pages because she is just saying the same thing she said on page 1.”

Did I put you to sleep yet? Still with me? You’re brave!

The next thing that happens is Ana goes to work at the hardware store. Then she comes home, sleeps and goes to work again. Then CG shows up at her work from out of the blue because there are no hardware stores anywhere between Portland and “Seattle”. Of course he really just looked her up on the interwebs and stalked her to her work. He then cryptically orders ropes and other ties and she can’t figure out why he is so intriguing and still sending “currents” through her (yes, again). He asks her to coffee and she accepts (I think – that part is a bit fuzzy – probably because I slept through it).

The next thing I remember is she is out at a bar and gets plastered and drunk-dials CG. He is all demanding and asking where the hell she is, and she hangs up with him. She is about to get kissed by someone she doesn’t like, and CG magically appears because Portland, Oregon and “Seattle” are right next to each other, you see, and out of all the bars in all the city, he knew she would be at that one. She pukes on him and he takes her to his “big” house via his very own helicopter, while KK is giving her Inquisition to CG’s brother. She sleeps in his “big” bed and wakes up with no pants on. He is next to her saying stupid stuff like he has never slept with anyone before and by “slept with” he means actual sleep. They did not do the horizontal hokey-pokey while she was sleeping. Damn.

I think I need to stop there for today. I doubt any of you are still reading at this point anyway and I am getting tired just thinking about what happens next- yawn – so I will save that for another day.

To be continued…….

Edited to add: Apparently there is a Vancouver, Washington and a site of WSU there. My apologies, EL James, but your book still sucks.