Long, long ago

Long, long ago I started this blog as a place just write any and everything that was on my mind. I was bored and had no focus. It evolved into a blog about my family and every now and again about politics, gun control and tv shows I like. Then something happened. Our son began to go down a mental rabbit hole and we were lost. I wrote a fair bit about him last year and the year before, and then I stopped writing altogether.

When Big D’s mental health started to go off the rails, I didn’t know what to do or where to go or how to help him. We did everything in our power to get him the help he needs – from Doctor’s appointments, to Therapy appointments (both family and him by himself) to medication and blood tests. We tried everything. It was sad to see him go down, and also very frustrating. Living with him became an absolute nightmare. He was edgy, moody, withdrawn, uninterested in life and definitely pretending to try and feel better, but not making an effort for real. I started going crazy. I was an emotional basket case. Every time he did something good, I would run here and write about it. Then the next day or week it would all fall apart again. I refuse to even talk about the good anymore, for fear it will all go away. We are all still alive. There have been huge changes, and two hospital stays (for him). There have been good days and bad days, and everything in between days. We take everything one step at a time. One day at a time.

A good friend (and former boss) of mine, has had to deal with both of her sons going down the rabbit hole of schizophrenia. The youngest took his own life almost 12 years ago. Their second son just started showing symptoms a few years ago. He is now in his thirties. It has been a big struggle and huge shock to them, as most people start showing signs in their teens. Her husband is a Pulitzer Prize winning author who wrote a book about it all, which was just published recentlyI can relate to the content so much.

My friend and I meet together for lunch every few months to talk about Big D, her surviving son,  and for me to get her advice about what we are doing and what we can be doing. She is great at teaching me when to let go of things and to appreciate the little victories. At the end of every lunch session, we always repeat our motto: One little victory at a time.

I’ve been around periodically – still reading, and sometimes commenting on your blogs. I miss this community. I miss this platform. I miss writing.

Maybe someday I will be back here more often.


About thelesbiannextdoor

I am a 43 year old lesbian, living with her wife in a small town. I have a 25 year old step-son. Who knows, I could be your neighbor ;) (Unless you know for sure your neighbor is not a lesbian - then I'm probably not!)

Posted on May 2, 2017, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. That sounds incredibly hard. I can’t blame you for taking time away from writing. I, too, stop writing (which I normally love) when life gets to be way too much mentally. What your friend says really resonates too. One little victory at a time- can also be one little blog post at a time. If it makes you feel better each time you do it then thats a success for that moment ❤

  2. So much this. Your words resonate with me. I am forcing myself to post on the regular blog (as opposed to PW protected one) these days because I cannot seem to wrap my head around the stuff going on with our 7 year old. Who I feel is on the path to falling down the rabbit hole one day. It is terrifying. I often think of you and Big D and wondered how you were doing and if your marriage had suffered from the turmoil of a special needs child…even one that is an adult. Hang in there, you are a warrior.

    • Thank you for this Amanda 🙂 It has been a very hard 5-6 years, but D and I have become stronger through it all. It definitely wasn’t easy – we had our struggles- but we always tried to remind ourselves we had to be strong for each other and Big D. We also had to remind ourselves that the stress we felt had to do with Big D, and not our relationship. It’s easy to confuse the two when you’re in the thick of it and take it out on each other. It took a lot of patience, but I am hoping we are on the other side of the hard part. Big D is a really good guy – sweet and sensitive. I hate that he struggles with this (whatever this is, but we are leaning towards schizophrenia). Things are ok right now, and have been for a few months. I just hope it lasts.

      I’m so sorry to hear about your child. I remember how raw and confusing it all felt at first. I wish you the best with them. Please know that even when they fall down the hole, there is always hope. It does get better over time (although I know it can seem like it never will). If you ever have questions or need to vent, I’m here.

  3. I’ve missed you, I know you are still reading mine and often like and comment. I’m sorry to hear of his struggles, there is nothing worse than seeing your child suffering 😦

  4. I am sorry to hear about what you are going through – it is always worse to see our children in pain. I know what that is like as one of mine has developed depression and anxiety, though so far it seems mostly under control. I won’t say much except that it cut a hole in me to hear how she was feeling. My best hopes for you and your family.

    • Thank you, Alice! At the moment he is medicated and doing well *fingers crossed*. Yes, it is the worst thing for a parent to witness. There’s hope for the future though, and I hope you can see that. I wish you and your family well!

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