Why I’m Voting For Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan
I thought I’d take Speaker 7’s advice and blog about something controversial – so I decided to blog about why I, TLND, will be voting for Romney/Ryan on November 6th.
1) I like taxes. Hell, some people would even say I love taxes! In fact, when anyone comes to see me, I am usually hugging my tax returns and pledging to marry them. When someone asks me why, I say I already have no money, so why not send more to the government and lower the taxes for the people that have billions of dollars? Sounds like a sound plan to me.
2) I want to be able to legally marry my tax forms on the federal level, and that will probably happen way sooner than being able to marry my wife of 8 1/2 years if they are elected. Why would I want to marry HER again anyway? I’ve already done it twice. Now it’s time to marry an inanimate object because that makes way more sense than marrying someone I love!* It’s not like we would do anything with the thousands of dollars we would save on taxes if we were legally married anyway, so go ahead Romney/Ryan – take it! Please! I need you to take that money from me. You don’t have nearly enough!
3) I am a woman and they basically hate women -what with all the babies never come from “legitimate rape”, and the vow to cut funding for planned parenthood and ill-legalize abortion. I mean c’mon! Why would I want to have control over my body? That’s clearly what the menfolk are for! They don’t need to actually own a uterus to pass legislation about it. This country was founded by our fore-FATHERS, not fore-mothers, people!
4) They want to take rights away from people – who in their right mind would be against that? I am totally voting for them on this basis alone. Gay men and women who fight for our country by serving in the military? Who cares about those people?! Send ’em back to the closet where they belong! Just because a bunch of them died for me, doesn’t mean I need to acknowledge that they are gay or that they may have loved ones who can’t live without them. You say you’re married to the love of your life in your state? Well, phooey on you! Marriage is only between a man and a woman – not for just any willy-nilly human who loves another human. You don’t need survivor benefits or any kind of support if your partner dies unexpectedly. We’ll just send all that money they paid in all their lives to someone else, or better yet, keep it ourselves! If elected, they will amend the constitution. They will write hate into it – exactly what I am sure the dream for America was. I totally support anyone who wants to make my marriage null and void. It’s what we’ve worked so hard for!
We interrupt this blog to deliver the following important message from the Romney/Ryan campaign:
Sick? Poor? No health care? Romney/Ryan are here for you! You don’t need healthcare you blithering idiots! You need to stop whining and take the ambulance to the ER if you want to see a doctor. It’s simple, just dial 9-1-1. Someone will be there to assist you shortly. Oh, you say it costs hundreds, if not thousands of dollars to do it this way? That’s pennies to us, so deal with it. No job or way to pay for it? Too bad! You should have gotten off your lazy, no good ass. What’s our plan to grow jobs? Strengthen the economy? That’s not important. Instead, let’s look at all the money we have! Isn’t it shiny? Nevermind the fact that I left my post as Governor of Massachusetts with a five billion dollar deficit. It doesn’t matter because now I am talking about ruling the whole country – not just one state. You see? Oh, you don’t? No matter – you are probably part of the 47% of people that would never vote for me because you are mooching off the government. You’re not mooching? You have a full-time job and work your ass off? No matter, I’m still rich.
*I’m not implying that Romney wants to legalize object/human marriage.
** Obviously this whole post was tongue in cheek and not meant to make anyone think I am stupid enough to actually vote for them.