The New Beginning

In two weeks Big D will be off to college. I have gone back and forth between scared shitless and so excited for him I could scream. I have noticed that more and more I am in the excited camp. The scared part was because so many people say that when a kid goes off to college, the parents look at each other and think “who are you?”, and then they get divorced. You spend so much time nurturing this child, sometimes you forget to nurture each other. Thankfully, D and I have always nurtured each other. But this past year was hard. And when I say hard, I mean HARD.

Big D threw us for a loop for the entire school year. He stopped doing homework. He nearly failed 3 classes (all of the online ones). He was lying. He was depressed and anxious. All after being a very happy, straight-A student his entire life. It scared us. We didn’t know who he was anymore. We fought with him and with each other. We were stressed out and on the brink of sanity. We all attended therapy separately and slowly we saw a change in him. Then we would find out about something he did or didn’t do, and we felt like we were back at square one. It was so stressful that my body was showing the signs. I stopped eating for a week during the thick of it. I cried non-stop. I couldn’t sleep. Then the chest pains began, and persisted. After about a month (yes, I waited a month – there was too much else going on to focus on me), I went and had an EKG. Everything was thankfully fine, but the pain I was experiencing was a symptom of fibromyalgia. I was 20 when I was diagnosed with it. For a lot of people it is debilitating – and it was for me in the beginning- but now I don’t have any ill effects from it, other than being overly sensitive to rough touch. So this chest pain symptom was scary. My doctor wanted to put me on meds. I said no. I asked if the symptom would go away with less stress, better diet and exercise, and she said yes. Once the stress cleared, so did the pain. It still comes back once in a while, but I know what it is, so it doesn’t scare me.

When graduation finally arrived and we were able to say for sure that he would make it, all of the stress, anger, fear and resentment melted away. A few days later, he wrote us a note about how much he loves us, and that he was sorry for the past year. He didn’t know why he acted the way he did. He was just so miserable in high school. We were very touched and will definitely keep that note! Since that day we have been seeing more and more of the Big D we know and love emerge. He is back to his old self again, and I could not be more grateful.

Going through all of this, I never once thought of giving up. I never once thought of leaving. D and I realized that we were snapping at each other because of the stress and we tried not to do that anymore. We grew stronger and closer instead of growing apart. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t always roses and puppies. But one thing I truly love about us is that we have always been able to recognize when outside stress is making us angry at each other, and we correct it.

This past week off together made me realize just how much I love her, and I know we can and will make it through every obstacle together. We mostly had a staycation, but we did go away for the day to a nearby lake. It’s about an hour from our house. Big D was going to go with us, but decided at the last minute that he didn’t want to, so D and I had a date day 🙂 We walked along the water, we went into the shops, we bought some tee shirts, we ate pizza (and I ordered a cheese calzone to bring home), we played in the arcade like kids, we checked out the local motels, and we ate ice cream on the edge of the water. Too bad it was so hot that we could only eat half each, as it melted too fast – but it was delicious! It was an amazing low-key outing and really made me feel connected to her.

The rest of the week was spent swimming, relaxing, eating, etc. My favorite day of the week (besides when we went to the lake) was this past Saturday. It was HOT. So hot that swimming didn’t cool you down. We did swim for a while, but then went inside. Our living room was 90 degrees. We could not get it to cool down, and I refused to put an AC in this late in the season. We do have AC’s in the bedrooms, and Big D was already enjoying his. We turned ours on, got a bunch of pillows out, put blankets over the windows to block out the sun and just camped out watching movies together. It was glorious! At one point I laid on my stomach with my head at the bottom of the bed while she was sitting with her back against the wall at the head of it. She kept reaching over and rubbing my leg (in a loving way – not a sexual one) and we kept telling each other how much we love each other. It’s the little things that really matter.

We keep talking about what life will be like when Big D is gone. We are excited to start this new chapter together. We have never been “just us”. I cannot wait. We have talked about the positive direction our life is going in, and the changes that can be made to make it even better. The number one thing is that we have been together 8 1/2 years, parented a child together,  and have come out of the other side more in love than ever.

It’s times like this when I cannot understand the bigots out there who think we shouldn’t be allowed to have this love. Everyone should be allowed to have it. Everyone should get a chance to experience this beautiful, precious gift.

The main reason for this post? I guess just to say how much I love my wife! Honey, you are the world to me. You are my best friend and my soul mate. I love you!

 

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About thelesbiannextdoor

I am a 40 year old lesbian, living with her wife in a small town. I have a 22 year old step-son. Who knows, I could be your neighbor ;) (Unless you know for sure your neighbor is not a lesbian - then I'm probably not!)

Posted on August 6, 2012, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 16 Comments.

  1. i love this post!!! wishing you and your family all the best during the next few weeks! xo

  2. Bigots can go suck a completely melted ice cream cone full of sand. I’m so glad things worked out with Big D. Since my son was born, my parents have repeatedly said little kids, little problems; big kids, big problems. Lucky for Big D, he has two strong, loving parents.

    • Can they suck it out of Anastasia Steele’s “down there”? 🙂 Thank you for the support! I have to agree with your parents though, big kids do equal big problems sometimes. Hopefully when he’s rich he’ll remember his moms!

  3. thelesbiannextdoorswife

    What a great post! We have lots of excitement to look forward to. Not only between ourselves, but as we watch big D grow into a fine young man. We have been through a lot this year that is for sure. It was never easy for me watching big D suffer from his past tramatic memories this year that were brought on because of his “donor”…… at least I think that is what you call his biological father (even that gives him too much credit).

    You put up with both of us as we were triggered and for that i am sorry! Amazing how one can spiral another into being triggered. What a household we had for a while…..it is funny to think about right now……I am glad that we can laugh about it now!! 🙂

    You have always been a huge support system for the two of us. You took on a lot when you met us. You have the biggest heart of anyone I know. You showed us what love truly is. We are so proud to have you in our lives!! We are so thankful to share our lives with you. I love you with all of my heart and I am so glad to know that when life becomes hard we always have each other to lean on!!

    You are my super hero, you always make me proud and I love you, I love you, I love you!!

    You wife, D!!!! XOXO

    • Awww:) Sweetie! This comment made me cry. It was worth sitting across from you and waiting 20 minutes while you typed it on your kindle fire:) You have it wrong though, you and Big D are the best! I am so glad we found each other. Here’s to 50+ more wonderful years together watching Big D grow and loving each other. I love, love, love you too! ❤ xoxoxo

  4. N’awwwwww, I love you two! You both give me hope that the next ten years will be difficult but see me coming out on the other side the same way that you have.

    I love the thought that you have both shaped and grown a young man between you who sounds like he’s a well grounded and rounded individual. How could he not be, with you two giving him so many opportunities? Unfortunately SuperDad still wants to play a huge part in Cs life for us, which means that we will always be picking up the pieces of his monumental inabilities to parent. I just hope that in years to come, C can recognise what her mother has given her and what her father has not…

    I hope you can now start to enjoy each other again, there really is nothing better than being on your own at times, just stripping back the parenting layers and rediscovering the raw, true you underneath it all.

    • 🙂 Thank you so much GOAS! I have a feeling that you and yours will be the same. We have so many things in common, it’s like looking in a mirror! We went through the years when his “donor” wanted to be a “dad” and it didn’t work out. Sooner or later Big D realized that this other person was full of big lies and false promises. Hopefully one of two things happen in regard to C’s Superdad – (1) she realizes she is better off without him (as Big D did), or (2) he will step it up and become just another person in your lives (highly unlikely – but I guess slightly possible). Just be aware that if she doesn’t want anything to do with him in the future, she will mourn him – which is sort of what Big D was doing- and it will be tough.

      Good, true love is worth fighting through the rough stuff 😉

      Thanks again for all your kind words!

  5. What an absolutely beautiful post! You two look after that love, ’tis a precious and rare gift which needs constant attention!

    As for Big D’s bad year – may I, just a singlish childless inexperienced lady, offer a tiny piece of advice? While he’s ‘up’ and returned to his normal state and feeling good and happy, acknowledge what happened (I’m sure you all already have, as you’ve been to therapy etc) but ask him to come up with a plan of action for if it happens again, ask him to tell you how he would like you and D to rescue him … if it’s needed, then he will recognise the empowerment as his own and it will help him. It also helps with those awkward moments of having to ask him if there is ‘something’ wrong.

    You are a beautiful family, all very lucky to have one another 🙂 x

    • Thank you Mel! Ahhh, we will look after it – no doubt about that!

      Yes, we have spoken with him about looking out for the warning signs. He knows what he needs to do if he feels himself falling. He won’t be too far away (1 1/2 hours) so he can come home when he needs to and we can get to him fairly quickly. His doctor, therapist, D and I all believe it was situational and had to do with not only old issues with his father, but also pressures at school. He’s really bright and it’s hard for other kids to understand why someone would want to graduate early. I think there was a lot of jealousy happening too, and he just couldn’t handle it. Now that school is out he is ready to move on. I have faith he will be okay, and that if he’s not, he’ll let us know.

      I think we are pretty lucky too;)

  6. This is so beautiful it made my heart swell.

    It’s not very often I get to hear of f2f couples toughing it out through the years and being the same, loving people after. It’s wonderful.

    Sounds like both of you are ready to start a new chapter in your lives and I wish you much happiness, peace, love and success.

    As for your little one, well, sometimes boys act up before they go off to college…I mean, I’m no expert but what I’ve noticed is, some of them struggle with the ‘leaving’ part, even though they act like they’re Mr. Macho, they really don’t want to be away from family.

    Everything will fall to place as it should…what is important is for you to always be there to support each other as a family unit.

    In this life, no matter what happens and what you go through, family is everything, whether they are blood or the family you have chosen for yourselves.

    I hope one day I’ll be able to experience that sincere kind of love you both share.

    Blessings to you and yours.

    • Thank you Dylan 🙂 I think it helps that Big D was already here when we met. We had to build a relationship with each other as well as as a family, so we were always aware that there needed to be an ‘us’.

      As for Big D – there were lots of things going on with him, and one of them was that he was graduating a year early, so he was self-sabotaging. It seems backwards, but apparently so many kids do that. It’s like they’re saying “everyone thinks I am so special and smart – well I’ll show them!” Thankfully he didn’t fail anything, but it was really touch and go for a while there! There was also some of that fear of leaving home which we talked about at length – (and you’re right, a lot of it was the macho man syndrome). We had many discussions about whether he wanted to graduate, whether he wanted to go to college, and whether he wanted to really leave. His answers were almost always yes to all three. After graduation they all turned to definitely yes! He is very excited to start this next chapter, just as we are.

      As for true love coming your way, hang in there. I truly believe in positivity begets positivity. Open your heart up and that special someone will find you. It happened to me when I least expected it. Oh, and if you’re not already, go on an internet dating site! LOL! That’s how we met!

      Blessings to you too. I’ll be rooting for you!

      • dylanlincalista

        A true union is a beautiful thing…without the ‘I’ or ‘You’ or ‘Me’ – a relationship where two people understanding the meaning of ‘us’ is a rare thing. I’m happy for you 🙂

        Your young man is moving on to a new chapter in his life, too. I read another blog that had a similar story in which this lady’s son started to ‘act out’ before going off to college. Very similar to what you had described 🙂 But, everything worked out just fine.

        I don’t know/ think I’m ready to be in a relationship just yet. Of course, I miss the companionship but I have so much to sort out in my life alone that I think/feel it isn’t going to be fair to anyone I’d date. We shall see though 🙂

        LOL. Really? Wow. Well, I’ve been a skeptical of dating sites but yeah, once I’m ready, I just might. I am quite smitten with this woman I’ve just met but she’s also not ready to be in a relationship and we’re both treading waters at the moment so, we’ll see how it goes.

        By the way, I’ve chosen your blog for the Versatile Blogger award – http://www.lifegasmic.com/life/the-versatile-blogger-award/

        Cheers to blog stalking and your hilarious posts of 50 shades of grey, haha.

        Blessings.

  7. Thank you so much for the award Dylan!

    Good luck with the woman you are crushing on 🙂 Aren’t those first feelings of a crush the best? I’m sending you good vibes!

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