I Can’t Do It

I know in my last post I said I would continue reading and re-capping 50 Shades of CRAP if you all wanted me to, but I just can’t do it. Today is day 7 of our vacation (yes it is 6:00am and I am blogging :)). We have been busy with day trips and running around having fun, so yesterday was the first time I got the chance to try and read some more. We swam for a bit, and then I went in to get the “book”. I settled myself by the pool in the shade and began to read. I only made it to page 175 (from 150). Then the following conversation ensued:

D: (peeking at me from over the side of the pool) Why are you torturing yourself?

Me: I don’t know. To have something to blog about?

D: It looks like you are in pain reading it!

Me: I am. It is truly the most awful book in existence.

D: Then stop!

Me: I think  I might have to.

Apparently I was visibly cringing while reading this pile of shit and D had been watching me. So I apologize dear readers. After this post, I am going to give the books back to my mom. I went on my Kindle yesterday and found a ton more books I would MUCH rather be reading, and I am going to do just that.

On to the recap:

At the end of the last installment, Ana had convinced Christian to let her talk to her roommate Kate about sex, even though she signed a document saying she wouldn’t. He then whisks her off to a restaurant in the woods where the waitress is of course attracted to Christian. Ugh!!!!! He orders for her and she scoffs at him, but then just drinks and eats what he wants her to. (After of course not being hungry again and him yelling at her that she needs to eat.) The conversation during dinner reveals that Christian was sexually abused by his mother’s friend starting when he was 15 and lasting 6 years. He was her submissive. It also reveals that he has had 15 subs since he became a dom. Ana is shocked by all of these revelations, but all she can think about is Christian in his pajama bottoms. Again. Apparently CG can really rock some pajamas, because that is the image she keeps recalling and getting turned on by.

He brings her home and drops her off. She is sad he won’t come in, and I am bored beyond belief. She gets out of the car and tells him, ” Oh…by the way, I am wearing your underwear.” CG is shocked and his mouth drops open. Really???  Then Ana “sashays” into the house and her inner goddess is apparently thrilled. From what I have read from other bloggers, this is the first of 7 billion references to Ana’s inner goddess.

Kate wants to know how it all went, and suddenly Ana is shy about it. Kate asks if he made her come and she thinks Holy Crap for the billionth time and affirms it. Kate then tells her about how first time was “horrid” and she didn’t have an orgasm from penetrative sex for a year after that. Correct me if I am wrong, but most women do not have orgasms from penetration alone. Yet CG is SOOOOOOOO HOOOOTTT! And SOOOO AMAZING!!! That he can make a virgin, who had never even touched herself, come wildly the first time. This is rubbish and completely unrealistic. They both talk about how they are sore from “overuse” (remember- Kate was having sex with CG’s brother while Ana was having sex with CG). Ana asks Kate about CG’s brother, and the following paragraph makes me want to jump off a bridge:

“Kate blushes. Oh my…Katherine Agnes Kavanaugh goes all Anastasia Rose Steele on me. She gives me a dewy-eyed look. I’ve never seen her react this way to a man before. My jaw drops to the floor.”

Really? I mean, c’mon, this is bestseller writing? Really? This is what all the women in the world are drooling over? I just do not get it.

The girls are moving house now that they have graduated, and there is a long, boring passage about the things that have been packed and the things that haven’t. Ana got mail while she was away, and of course she got 2 interviews for internships because everything is falling into place for her. Everything is perfect in the life of Anastasia Steele. Except that pesky guy Jose who tried to kiss her the night that CG turned into Edward Cullen and found her just in time. He has called a bunch of times. Wow.

Kate goes off to talk to CG’s brother on the phone, and Ana is left to think about her dilemma. Then “His burning gray eyes and that intense smoldering stare come into my mind’s eye, and my body tightens at the thought. I gasp. He’s not even here and I’m turned on.” Again, Ugh!!!

She thinks about what she is getting into, and whether she wants to or not. “If I’d not met him, I’d still be sweetly and blissfully oblivious. My mind drifts to last night and this morning…and the incredible, sensual sexuality I’d experienced. Do I want to say good-bye to that? No! screams my subconcious…my inner goddess nods in Zen-like agreement with her.” One question: how does she hear her subconscious? The definition of subconscious is that you do not realize it. Because it is SUB-conscious. As in below your consciousness..

I have to say, after that paragraph, I was ready to slam the book shut, but I could see that rest of the contract was beginning on the next page, so I pushed through.

Chapter Eleven begins with the infamous contract which reads like instructions for putting together a piece of Ikea furniture -you know it’s in English, but you can’t understand a word of it. It’s 10 pages of referring back to clause 2 on the first page, or clause 5, and is as insufferable as the small portion of it I wrote about in my last post. Oh, and it includes all of that passage in it too. In case we forgot the hard limits described 25 pages ago. Who could forget no urination or defecation or fire play or fire play again? This contract is the dumbest piece of shit writing I have ever experienced. Basically it states that Ana is Christian’s property for the period of 3 months, and that she would have to relent to his every sexual need. He can use whips and restraints at any time he sees fit, and she is not allowed to look him in the eye. This all sounds like a positive thing for Ana to do (not!) and it puts feminism back 30 years.

One positive note is that Appendix 3 has ben found! Holy shitballs! I am so excited! It’s soft limits! I can hardly wait!

Soft Limits
To be discussed and agreed between both parties:

Does the Submissive consent to:

  • Masturbation
  • Cunnilingus
  • Fellatio
  • Swallowing Semen
  • Vaginal intercourse
  • Vaginal fisting (this is a soft limit???)
  • Anal intercourse
  • Anal fisting (and this??)

Does the Submissive consent to the use of:

  • Vibrators
  • dildos
  • butt plugs
  • other vaginal/anal toys

Does the Submissive consent to:

  • bondage with rope
  • bondage with tape
  • bondage with leather cuffs
  • bondage with handcuffs/shackles/manacles
  • bondage with other

Does the Submissive consent to be restrained with:

  • hands bound in front
  • ankles bound
  • elbows bound
  • hands bound behind back
  • knees bound
  • wrists bound to ankles
  • binding to fixed items, furniture, etc.
  • binding with spreaderbar (huh?)
  • suspension

Does the Submissive consent to be blindfolded?

Does the Submissive consent to be gagged?

How much pain is the Submissive willing to experience?

Where 1 is likes and 5 is dislikes intensely:
1-2-3-4-5 (not sure why this is here – makes no sense!)

Does the Submissive consent to accept the following forms of pain/punishment/discipline:

  • spanking
  • whipping
  • biting
  • genital clamps
  • hot wax
  • paddling
  • caning
  • nipple clamps
  • ice
  • other types/methods of pain

Okay, doesn’t that last one mean anything goes??

Ana thinks, “Holy fuck. I can’t bring myself to even consider the food list. I swallow hard, my mouth dry, and read it again.” And I think: Ana! What food list???? It’s still not written out here! How can you not even consider it if you haven’t even seen it???

I stopped here. I couldn’t get past how this “book” was sounding more and more like abuse and less and less like a love story with kinky sex. I cannot stomach even one more page of this trash.

I truly apologize to the 6 people who wanted me to read the whole thing. I just cannot do it. It is sucking the soul out of me. I need to read 6 good books to erase this one piece of shit book from my mind. Please do not waste your time like I did!


About thelesbiannextdoor

I am a 41 year old lesbian, living with her wife in a small town. I have a 23 year old step-son. Who knows, I could be your neighbor ;) (Unless you know for sure your neighbor is not a lesbian - then I'm probably not!)

Posted on August 3, 2012, in 50 Shades Recaps. Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. What are you talking about? It’s soooooooo good. They are so in lurve and it’s beautiful when he sticks ice cream in her vag and beats her with a belt and she says “crap twaddle”.

    Sorry, lost my mind there for a sec. Reading this series will do that to you. Very sensible decision although I will miss your recaps. The story does not get better.

    • If not for your beautiful recapping that made me realize it only gets worse, i may have read the rest….okay, probably not! I have no idea how you got through all 3! That takes dedication and a stomach made of steel!

      Also, I live in Vermont, and I couldn’t even think about reading the part about Ben and Jerry’s….if I had, I may never have been able to eat ice cream again, and we can’t have that can we? 🙂

  2. I’m glad I’m not the only person appalled by these books. I picked one up at the bookstore a few weeks ago, and I made it through just over a page before I wanted to vomit. Horrible storyline, horrible characters, and writing at about a grade nine level. Why oh why do people read these books?

  3. I’m glad you’ve put it down, actually. I can’t believe that so many people seem to be enjoying this crap. Ugh. Thanks for toughing it out as long as possible, and for taking one for the team. 😉 Now, relax and enjoy yourself, and throw that thing in the trash!

  4. Thank you for the support Liz! I brought the books back to my mom about 9:00 this morning. There is absolutely no temptation and I am so glad they are out of the house!

  5. It’s okay. Not only do you have Speaker’s awesome recaps (no one can compete with Goofy’s charisma or Hugo’s exotic creepiness. He has stolen my hair and my heart!) but you have mine too. I am a total masochist, so I will stick it out till the end. I have so many pretend people I still have to interview. What? What???

  6. Haha! I love yours and Speaker 7’s recaps! They are hilarious!!! Thanks for touturing yourself for all of us out here!

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