50 Shades of Why the heck am I reading this again??

When we last visited this craptastic book, Ana and Christian had just “made love”. Since I know you are dying to know what happens next, let’s get to it:

Christian disappears (as always) and Ana wakes up to a piano being played gently in the distance. She pads down the hall to find the mysterious Christian playing a sad tune. She first says he is doing this naked, and then sees he has PJ pants on. Why this is relevant, I will never know. They have another cryptic conversation. I think this scene is supposed to represent that Christian is a sad, sad soul and needs love, and we should all feel bad for him – but all it made me feel is an overwhelming need to scratch my own eyes out with a unfolded paperclip.

He orders her back to bed. (Seriously.) “Bed, Ana!” She turns like a wounded puppy and obeys. Again, this makes me feel like he is her father and that is just creepy! She wakes up and he is next to her, sleeping. Wait a minute -in the last chapter he said he never does that! He never “sleeps with” his Subs. E.L. James does not care about continuity, my dear friends, and neither should you apparently. Her exact words upon waking up are this: “It’s a beautiful May morning, Seattle at my feet. Wow, what a view. Beside me, Christian Grey is fast asleep. Wow, what a view.” I’m not kidding. This is the type of writing that garnered so much attention. I still don’t get it.

Ana has needs- “bathroom needs”- so she gets up and puts on his shirt and goes to the bathroom. She realizes she is hungry and goes to the kitchen. She decides to cook some breakfast, listen to an MP3 player and dance around, and Christian catches her. He wants her to eat. She starts to oblige and then he starts talking about her “training”. What training? she wants to know. “Well, since you are sore, I thought we would work on oral skills.” Ana nearly chokes on her pancake, and I throw up in my mouth a little. She is so eager to work on her oral skills that she doesn’t want to eat anymore. She wants to jump straight to it. “Eat!” Christian demands, and again, we are meant to deduce that there is some deep, dark secret about him that makes him have food issues. Why? If I knew that, and I charged everyone who read this turd-nugget of a book a dollar to tell them, I would be a millionaire. This does not add any depth to his character. It just makes him look mean.

She chokes down some cold pancakes, and they move to the bathroom where the tub is once again large and luxurious. They get naked, get in, and Ana goes to town on his peen. Apparently she can deep throat pretty good for a first timer and Christian thinks “holy crap!” and explodes. Again, is this really realistic? I mean, the woman has never touched herself “down there” and had never had sex prior to the day before, yet she knows how to give head??? Maybe there are some women out there who are great at all things sexual the first time around, but I always thought there was some kind of learning curve, no?

Anyway, they go to the bedroom where Christian “returns the favor”- only making her lie still and hold her hands over her head – and then fucks her silly once again, even though just 3 pages earlier he said he knew she would be too sore for it. Once again – continuity is not important. Keep that in mind as you read the rest of this series of posts, or if you actually torture yourself enough to read the books. It will help if you give up on all that you know about the English language as well. (I understand the phrase “kinky fuckery” is used later on – oh joy!)

All of a sudden they hear a voice in the hallway and realize Christian’s mother has shown up. He withdraws his member from her “down there” and she winces. Then he decides it’s a perfect time for Ana to meet his mom. Ha! Yeah, that is really when women want to meet your family – when they just fucked you and look like shit. All this after only knowing you for – maybe a week? I don’t know – time, much like continuity – does not matter.

So she meets his mom, blah, blah, blah, yawn, snooze fest. Then he has to get her home because she has to be to work at nine. In the elevator -(this book has a gazillion elevators. You cannot go three pages without them riding in one. I bet E.L. James was thinking, “It’s so amazing how they ride elevators isn’t it? I think I’ll add another reference to an elevator every 200 words or so. That will keep the reader interested!”) – she mentions to him that she needs to talk to the famous Katherine Kavanaugh. You know, cause even though she’s had sex twice, blew him, and is simply amazing at it, she still has questions about sex. Christian huffs and puffs about how she promised not to disclose their relationship and, in fact, she signed a non-disclosure form, and he can tell her all she needs to know. It takes all of 2 or 3 lines for the straight-laced, very private Christian to decide it’s okay if she talks to KK about it. What the wha???????? What is the purpose of the non-disclosure nonsense if you’re just going to back down in two seconds????

This is where I had to stop reading, and I haven’t picked it up since. I am on vacation next week, so I plan to try and read a bit more, if only to have something to blog about.

On a side note, I failed to mention my favorite part of this book in the last post. The contract he wants her to sign (which so far she has not). I have to type it all out for you word for word because it is so tremendously stupid that I could not put a stupider spin on it if I tried. Hold on to your hats! My thoughts are in italics.

Rules:

Obedience:

The Submissive will obey any instructions given by the Dominant immediately without hesitation or reservation and in a expeditious manner. Well that was overly redundant. The Submissive will agree to any sexual activity deemed fit and pleasurable by the Dominant excepting those activities outlined in hard limits (Appendix 2). There are appendices???!!! Yay!!! She will do so eagerly and without hesitation. Again, redundant.

Sleep:

The Submissive will ensure that she gets a minimum of seven hours’ sleep a night when not with the Dominant. Really? How will he track that if he is not with her? Also, was that ‘ necessary after the word hours? Doesn’t that denote possession? What are the hours possessing exactly? We will never know.

Food: Here we go again!

The Submissive will eat regularly to maintain her health and well-being from a prescribed list of foods (Appendix 4). I’m kinda pissed she never shows us Appendix 4. I am looking for a food plan that will maintain my health damn it! The Submissive will not snack between meals, with the exception of fruit. No swiss cake rolls?? no chips? This does not sound fun. But it does sound SEXY!

Clothes: Are you fucking kidding me??

During the Term, the Submissive will wear clothing only approved by the Dominant. The Dominant will provide a clothing budget for the Submissive, which the Submissive shall utilize. Uh, isn’t that what a budget is for? The Dominant shall accompany the Submissive to purchase clothing on an ad hoc basis. If the Dominant so requires, the Submissive shall wear during the Term any adornments the Dominant shall require, in the presence of the Dominant and at any other time the Dominant seems fit. I did not alter that sentence – or any of this for that matter. Yes, this is exactly how it is written. Makes you wanna run out and buy it now, doesn’t it?

Exercise:

The Dominant shall provide the Submissive with a personal trainer four times a week in hour-long sessions at times to be mutually agreed upon between the personal trainer and the Submissive. The personal trainer will report to the Dominant on the Submissive’s progress. Another misuse of the poor apostrophe. And who the fuck would ever agree to something like this??

Personal Hygiene/Beauty:

The Submissive will keep herself clean and shaved and/or waxed at all times. The Submissive will visit a beauty salon of the Dominant’s choosing at times to be decided by the Dominant and undergo any treatments the Dominant deems fit. Did E.L. James re-read this after she wrote it? It’s almost as if she blindfolded her self and just started writing random words. Also, if the Submissive is in charge of keeping shaved/waxed, then why does the Dominant have to choose the salon and treatments?

Personal Safety:

The Submissive will not drink to excess, smoke, take recreational drugs, or put herself in any necessary danger. Duh!

Personal Qualities:

The Submissive will not enter into any sexual relations with anyone other than the Dominant. The Submissive will conduct herself in a respectful and modest manner at all times. She must recognize that her behavior is a direct reflection on the Dominant. She shall be held accountable for any misdeeds, wrongdoings, and misbehavior committed when not in the presence of the Dominant. Are these all really “personal qualities”? Is who you sleep with a personal quality? Maybe I misunderstand the term.

Failure to comply with any of the above will result in immediate punishment, the nature of which will be determined by the Dominant.

Ana thinks Holy Fuck!, and I think, oh man, I have so many questions! Like: What about Appendices 1 and 3? Do Dominants only use even numbers? Ana has no such questions. The only thing she does ask about are hard limits. Ah yes! Appendix 2! Onward!

HARD LIMITS This is in all caps, bold and underlined in the book so you know they are SERIOUS! Also, note that these are Christians’ hard limits.

No acts involving fire play. What is fire play exactly?
No acts involving urination or defecation and the products thereof. Darn!
No acts involving needles, knives, piercing or blood.
No acts involving gynecological medical instruments. Pfffffttttt!!!!
No acts involving children or animals. Is this really a Dom/Sub thing?? If so – ewwwwwww!!
No acts that will leave permanent marks on the skin.
No acts involving breath control. I’m not even sure what this means, but it sounds dumb and unnecessary. Breathing is a hard limit? Really? It doesn’t fit with all the fire, defecation, urination, sex with children and animals, and gynecological instruments.
No activity that involves the direct contact of electric current (whether alternating or direct), fire, or flames to the body. Not only does he have issues with food, but apparently fire as well, since it is mentioned three times. Was no proofreading done to this pile of rubbish?

That’s all for now my dear friends. I hope you are enjoying your summer! Until next time….

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About thelesbiannextdoor

I am a 40 year old lesbian, living with her wife in a small town. I have a 22 year old step-son. Who knows, I could be your neighbor ;) (Unless you know for sure your neighbor is not a lesbian - then I'm probably not!)

Posted on July 25, 2012, in 50 Shades Recaps. Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. Oh my sweet double crap, it’s like I’m reliving it all over again. That contract. Was it really that horrifically written? I’ve blocked it out. I need to drink a vat of rubbing alcohol to block it out once more.

    Putting my pain aside, I love these recaps. Your commentary is crapalicious.

  2. Haha! Yes it was! That is word for word. Your compliments are much appreciated:)

  3. There’s a good reason why I’m a lesbian. Actually, there are many reasons, IF I even NEED reasons. But, I will admit that I fucking gag at my own toothbrush and so deep throating never worked for me because somehow I can’t find pleasure when it feels like someone is stuffing a plunger down my throat.

    As for the contract thing? I just. Don’t have words.

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