More of the Worst Book I Have Ever Read

Okay, so where were we? Oh yeah, Ana and Christian just slept in the same bed. You know, I was thinking about this yesterday and whether I got a few events confused. (Like the helicopter ride may have come after this point). I almost went back to re-read some parts to make sure I was right, and then I thought, who cares?! This book makes no sense anyway, so if I get a few details mixed up, it’s not going to make a difference. So if you are here for an ‘accurate to the T’ re-cap, you’ll have to look elsewhere. But I can give you the general gist of things.

Anyway, they wake up, he tells her to shower, and his man-servant has bought her some clothes, including some apparently nice underwear. Again, who cares? So she showers and then runs her fingers through her wet hair because Christian doesn’t own any brushes he actually brushes his hair with – but he may own some he can spank her with. The man-servant has also bought her some hair ties – hallelujah! She then uses Christian’s toothbrush to brush her teeth and feels all erotic about it. Ewwww! You barely know the guy! He could have herpes or something!

I promise to write future recaps sooner after I actually read the pages because here it gets hazy. I’m pretty sure she just goes downstairs to see him and they get into the elevator together. Something you should know about Christian Grey is that he cannot control himself when a woman bites her lip. She is biting her lip. Every time she bites her lip (which she does over and over and over again), Christian gets an erection. Coincidentally, every time they are in an elevator, he gets an erection. (I don’t know about you, but the only thing I am thinking of when I am on an elevator is : Please don’t get stuck! Oh, has it gotten to the floor yet? God I hate that feeling when it stops. Please make the doors open!) She is biting her lip on the elevator, so Christian gets a double erection, says something like “F it!” and pulls her hair back so her chin is lifted up and plants one on her. He shoves his tongue in her mouth, lifts her up and presses her against the wall with his erection against her belly. (have I written the word erection enough?) Then he puts her down, the doors open and they step out.  Then he says “you brushed your teeth.”  Compelling stuff. He holds her hand, but I it feels more like a fatherly thing to me….This scene reminded me a lot of my high school days on the buses to away boys basketball games (for which I was a cheerleader – hahaha!). I was with this kid Chris at the time and he was basically laying on me, shoving his tongue in my mouth and slobbering all over me.  I have kissed a lot of guys in my life (before I came out) and they all kissed that way. Is that sexy to straight girls?

I have to stop here for a second and say that my sister-in-law apparently read this book and told my brother that that is the way women should be treated. I beg to differ. If I was straight, I would not want a domineering asshole as a boyfriend. I would want one that would treat me equally and with kindness. That cocky shit if for the birds. If someone pulled my hair and yanked my head back the first time they kissed me, I would pop them in the face and get the hell out of there!

He gets Ana home and his brother is there after just having boned the famous Katherine Kavanaugh. They are all over each other making out, and Ana is feeling pangs of jealousy. CG is very cold and not at all affectionate. Even though they have only “known” each other for about 100 pages, and Ana is presumably inexperienced, she for-shiz knows that the way CG is acting is not right. He nuzzles her a little to show he is interested and then he leaves. KK gushes over how much sex she just had and Ana broods about the fact that she did not get any.

Later – I think this is the point where she meets up with CG and he begs her to eat (he has clear issues with food, and once again he reminds me of a father, not a boyfriend – and that is just gross!), and she is too excited/nervous about what he is going to tell her. He forces her to eat anyway. This is when the helicopter ride happens. He takes her back to his place and talks about a non-disclosure agreement, which she signs, as soon as CG is done having his erection from the elevator ride from his roof. He says she cannot tell anyone about what they do, and Ana frowns about not being able to tell KK about all the sexiness that will soon ensue.

Then he brings her to the red room of pain love. She sees whips, chains, leather stuff, a bed, feathery stuff, baby oil, baby seals, baby turtles, baby elephants, oh wait, where was I? Oh yeah, she basically sees a torture/sexy time chamber and blushes. She reveals that it will be her first time and he scolds her: “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me sooner?” Well if that isn’t a way to treat a lady who just admitted she is a virgin to you, I don’t know what is.

He pouts, stomps his feet, broods and says, “okay, I will have to make love to you first. I don’t normally do this. I can’t get it up unless you are biting your lip, we are in an elevator, or I am wearing electrified nipple clamps.” So he leads her to the bedroom. He wants to know what she likes, but she has never even touched herself down there. That is what she calls her vagina for the rest of the 400 or so pages we have left (or so I have heard). Okay, I know women are supposed to be delicate and quiet and not know about sex and all that, but show me a woman who says she never explored her “down there” and I will show you a woman that is lying through her teeth.

He gets her undressed and breathes on her underwear and finally frees his enormous willy. He gets out a condom – thank maude!- and tells her it may hurt a bit. Now, I don’t know a lot about having straight sex. Admittedly, I only had it once, and it hurt like a son of a bitch! I have heard that the first few times  it hurts a lot of women. Oh, but not Anastasia Steele! She loves it from stroke one, and he pounds the shit out of her (while she is thinking “holy crap!” over and over). She apparently has not one, but TWO orgasms from this “love making”, which I also find highly unrealistic. When he is done with her, she falls asleep, and he leaves her.

To be continued…..This post is already long enough, though not as long as Christian Grey’s amazing member.


About thelesbiannextdoor

I am a 42 year old lesbian, living with her wife in a small town. I have a 24 year old step-son. Who knows, I could be your neighbor ;) (Unless you know for sure your neighbor is not a lesbian - then I'm probably not!)

Posted on July 17, 2012, in 50 Shades Recaps. Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.

  1. I stayed over the docs the other night, and her friend had stayed over too – they’ve known one another for yonks, they were kidlers together, he always uses her toothbrush. I went in the bathroom after him to brush my teeth, (I have my own at her house) … and it was wet. “KYYYYLIEEEEEEEE” I screamed “which toothbrush did you use?”

    Ugh. I am SO NOT OK WITH THAT!!!! I have a thing about toothbrushes. Even the doc isn’t allowed to use mine.

    YAK! Bleugh. I left the house with furry hungover teeth that day!

    • Haha! I am totally with you on this! I admit that I have used D’s toothbrush once or twice in the last 8 years, but only because I grabbed the wrong one. I was immediately grossed out – as she has been when she has grabbed mine accidentally. Now we make sure the colors are completely different so there’s no mistake!

  2. Holy crap awesomeness! Yes, the kissing! The kissing so completely horrible. Who wants the first kiss to be all thrusting tongue and clashing teeth and just general violent activity? He practically rips her head off her neck, but, yes, this is how men should treat women.

  3. Okay, so here’s my comment. I saw you posted a long entry and I decided to write down my ‘experiences’ and ‘thoughts’ as I went along so you’d know what was on my mind as I went through it. This is because I had such a good time with your last one 😉


    You could very well say that I’m being a smart arse in proving that I read your entire entry. Either way works for me 😀 haha.

    So here goes nothing :

    1. Oh Okay not accurate (Enlightened)
    2. He makes her shower? Pft. As if he’d smell like a bed or roses after sex.
    3. Bahahaha @ brushes to spank her with
    4. EWW @ uses Christian’s toothbrush to brush her teeth
    5. Bahahahahaha @ and feels all erotic about it
    6. So,’s ‘bite’ – up. ‘Bite’ – Woops, it’s up. Bite, bite, bite – up, up, up – Oh God, I’m in stitches hahahaha
    7. Hahaha! I can’t breathe @ “you brushed your teeth.” Compelling stuff.

    Okay, intermission time.

    I once dated someone who sucked my face in every time she kissed me. It was to the point where my lips throbbed of PAIN.

    At the time I was dating guys (in HS), my then boyfriend slobbered all over my face it was as if I’d suck face with a fucking camel. NO JOKE.

    Now, I shall continue.

    8. PFT. Yeah, getting their faces sucked in, sure. @ I have to stop here for a second and say that my sister-in-law apparently read this book and told my brother that that is the way women should be treated.

    9. LOL @ okay, I will have to make love to you first. – He makes it sound like he has no choice

    10. Eh? And this is what Erotica is to the writer? @ I can’t get it up unless you are biting your lip, we are in an elevator, or I am wearing electrified nipple clamps.

    11. HAHAHA! I just scaled my lip with coffee – AGAIN @ Okay, I know women are supposed to be delicate and quiet and not know about sex and all that, but show me a woman who says she never explored her “down there” and I will show you a woman that is lying through her teeth.

    12. Uh, yeah, sure, when your vagina is getting stuffed and hoovered for the first time, yeah @ She loves it from stroke one, and he pounds the shit out of her (while she is thinking “holy crap!” over and over).

    Maybe I don’t understand this brand of erotica but if I had a penis it would be put into a permanent coma after reading the book…but at least, I’d get a few laughs out of it.

    You should seriously write more about this, you’re hilarious! LOL I LOVE IT!

  4. Thank you so much for your detailed comment! (Just as an FYI, I made up the part about the nipple clamps. He didn’t actually say that, I just thought it sounded funny 🙂 ) Thank you for your support through this, it’s like torture reading it, so I need all the support I can get!

    • You’re very welcome – I enjoyed writing.

      LOL @ made up the part about the nipple clamps. – But, well, suffice to say, this brand of Erotica doesn’t quite tickle my fancy. (For some reason I find the phrase ‘tickle my fancy’ quite disturbing when referring to that particular book but I’ll go with it.)

      When and if I EVER get done writing my book, I’d love to give you a review copy to get your reaction. LOL.

      Looking forward to the next series of posts for 50 Shades of Grey 😉

      • I have to get on to reading more of this stupid book. I haven’t had the time or the stomach for it recently. When I do, I will certainly review it here. As for your book, I’d love to react to it! 🙂

  5. Please tell me you’ve seen this, and if you haven’t, you’re welcome 🙂

    • I hadn’t seen that before Strawberry – thank you! I love reading other people’s hilarious takes on this awful, no good, piece of crap book series. If you find more, keep ’em coming! (no pun intended)

  6. At this point I would just like to flag up that – despite a later claim that she never gets drunk – Anastasia gets through a really quite astonishing quantity of alcohol in this novel.

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