Let’s Give ‘Em Something to Blog About

Now that I have that song stuck in your head – you’re welcome! – let’s get down to the nitty gritty. I’ve mentioned before that I started reading 50 Shades of Grey over my vacation. My mother lent me the books and I have to admit, there have been such rave reviews about it- I honestly thought it would be a good book.  I was WRONG. This book is worse than the worst book I have ever read.

Let me start off by saying that I have no interest in BDSM. I am not into any of that type of thing. I am also not straight, as the title of my blog will tell you, so I went into this thing thinking that I would enjoy the rest of the parts of the story and maybe learn something new or interesting about BDSM. Or straightness – like why does it exist? No offense to the starighties out there 😉 It’s just a joke!

Have you ever heard the phrase “Curiosity killed the cat”? Well my curiosity has nearly killed me. Getting through this book is like sliding down a razor blade and landing in a pool of alcohol- not at all fun, and VERY painful! (But not in the apparently “good way” ;))

In Monday’s post I called this book “350 Pages of Yawn”. I went home and realized that the book is, indeed, several more than 350 pages. It’s more like 500. You would think I would be on page 350 by now, but alas, I have only made it to page 150. It feels like I have lost several years of my life. It is that terrible. One of my co-workers told me she couldn’t even get past chapter 1. To think this is a best seller is laughable! What are these other women reading, ’cause it sure as heck isn’t this book!

If you want to read a hilarious re-telling of the story, equipped with photographs of a puppet and a stuffed bunny re-enacting the scenes, you should pop on over to read Speaker 7. That will make you laugh until you cry. Unfortunately my post will probably just make me cry, as I can never live up to that kind of funny. Never.

Anywho, *SPOILER ALERT* this is what happens in the first 150 pages of 50 shades of Grey…………………………..nothing. Imagine reading 150 pages of a book in which nothing interesting happens. Ever. Anastasia Steele goes to interview Christian Grey because her roommate is sick and cannot do it. There is some talk about how she is from WSU (Washington State University) and Seattle and then about the interview being in Portland, Oregon. When she gets to his office it is huge and apparently marble or granite or some shit. Seriously, the descriptions in this book are terribly lame. You cannot get a good idea about these places from the writing. It’s like: “Christian Grey’s office building was, well, an office building. But really, really nice.” Everyone there is blonde and beautiful. She trips into his office and he catches her with his manly arms, and apparently really long fingers. Of course he is beautiful (according to straight woman standards), but her description of him sounds kind of icky to me.

They have a very boring back and forth about him and his “business”. Ana is unprepared and asks him dumb questions and he raises eyebrows and makes steeples with his hands. The most interesting thing she asks him is if he is gay, which of course he is not. She is embarrassed and then he basically offers her a job. Uh, WHAT?  I am f’ing up the interview I am giving on behalf of my sick roommate, and you want to offer me a job? I don’t think so buster! I’m not that easy! Oooh, holy crap! He’s steepling his hands! Swoon! Then he asks her a very confusing question. (At least to me, and anyone who knows anything about the geography of the US.) He asks her if she is headed back to Vancouver. As in CANADA. As in not the US and not in Washington. I’m not sure if she didn’t know and thought Seattle and Vancouver are the same place, or if she started with them in Vancouver and then changed her mind and forgot to go back and change it in the book. Come to find out (I just googled it) WSU isn’t even in Seattle! Anyway, so Ana goes off to go back to Seattle or Vancouver or the moon, and spends the whole drive thinking about Christian Grey and the “current” that went through her each time he touched her. That is the word she uses for every single time Christian touches her in the first 150 pages. Get a thesaurus woman!

She gets back and her roommate Katherine Kavanaugh puts her through the “Katherine Kavanaugh Inquisition” 110 times. She actually says those words: the Katherine Kavanaugh Inquisition – repeatedly. Compelling stuff! I don’t know how KK is going to make a great story out of the crap interview Ana gave, but apparently it’s like she shit gold sparkles all over and then Edward Cullen appeared – oh wait, that’s another book entirely – one that actually didn’t suck too much – that’s right, I said it – Twilight was WAY better than this drivel. Where was I? Oh yeah – everything is shit-tastic and KK can totes make an awesome story out of what Ana brought back. I don’t know how, because the only thing I learned from it is that CG has really long fingers, which was pointed out several times. Repetition should be the name of this book. She repeats and repeats and repeats and the reader is like, “Oh, I can skip these 4 pages because she is just saying the same thing she said on page 1.”

Did I put you to sleep yet? Still with me? You’re brave!

The next thing that happens is Ana goes to work at the hardware store. Then she comes home, sleeps and goes to work again. Then CG shows up at her work from out of the blue because there are no hardware stores anywhere between Portland and “Seattle”. Of course he really just looked her up on the interwebs and stalked her to her work. He then cryptically orders ropes and other ties and she can’t figure out why he is so intriguing and still sending “currents” through her (yes, again). He asks her to coffee and she accepts (I think – that part is a bit fuzzy – probably because I slept through it).

The next thing I remember is she is out at a bar and gets plastered and drunk-dials CG. He is all demanding and asking where the hell she is, and she hangs up with him. She is about to get kissed by someone she doesn’t like, and CG magically appears because Portland, Oregon and “Seattle” are right next to each other, you see, and out of all the bars in all the city, he knew she would be at that one. She pukes on him and he takes her to his “big” house via his very own helicopter, while KK is giving her Inquisition to CG’s brother. She sleeps in his “big” bed and wakes up with no pants on. He is next to her saying stupid stuff like he has never slept with anyone before and by “slept with” he means actual sleep. They did not do the horizontal hokey-pokey while she was sleeping. Damn.

I think I need to stop there for today. I doubt any of you are still reading at this point anyway and I am getting tired just thinking about what happens next- yawn – so I will save that for another day.

To be continued…….

Edited to add: Apparently there is a Vancouver, Washington and a site of WSU there. My apologies, EL James, but your book still sucks.

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About thelesbiannextdoor

I am a 40 year old lesbian, living with her wife in a small town. I have a 22 year old step-son. Who knows, I could be your neighbor ;) (Unless you know for sure your neighbor is not a lesbian - then I'm probably not!)

Posted on July 11, 2012, in 50 Shades Recaps. Bookmark the permalink. 13 Comments.

  1. Freshstartaroundeverycorner.wordpress.com

    OMG that cartoon is hilarious!!!! I have had little desire to read the series and have heard more and more people say the same thing….not that awesome. To each their own, right?!

    • I guess so! Just can’t see the allure. Of course, maybe it is a straight woman thing? I don’t know how anyone could get through all of that junk only for the sex scenes…..which I’ll get to another time and were not what I would call “hot”. Apparently once the sex gets started it is all the rest of the book is about!

  2. LOL haha, loved this post!

    I personally haven’t read 50 Shades of Grey yet. I don’t get what the hype is but I’m not dead set on jumping into the bandwagon anytime soon. I’ve read reviews but that’s pretty much it.

    I haven’t really delved into the whole BDSM scene…but enough of that. Here’s something I’d like to share in return, lol.

    This is from cracked.com – my coworkers and I found it when we were having lunch in our office. (Yes, office.)

    http://www.cracked.com/article_16032_the-25-most-disturbing-sex-toys.html

  3. I’m officially hooked 😀 so glad I found your site! Will keep visiting for future posts (not to pressure you though, hehe!) Cheers!

  4. I can’t bear to read it all, if you have a Kindle I have the files for the other books which I can email you to drop onto it and read. I refuse to pay for it.

    I wouldn’t say I know a great deal, but I have some knowledge of BDSM and what I’ve heard of this book (and seen, for the few pages I could bear to read) is that there has been zero research. That follows with your comment about Seattle and Portland, clearly the author did no research on that either.

    Also see bizzybiz.blogspot.com who L linked me to. There is a lot of vitriol for the book there, justifiably so!

    • Thank you for the offer GOAS, but I actually have all three paperbacks. My mother bought all of them and loaned them to me. Although I do prefer to read on my kindle by far!

      I know, right? Research if you are putting out a book on a subject you know nothing about!

      Thank you also for the link, I will definitely check it out!

  5. I hate to say this, but you need to keep reading because this recap was hysterical. I’m not one to write LOL unless I actually do laugh out loud and I did many, many times. I know it’s the worst book in the world, and makes you question your own sanity and the millions of women who actually love this books, but please, please, please continue reading.

    I finished it. It never gets any better.

  6. I’ve read some really bad “supposed” erotic romance books just like you described- & you’d swear a teenage boy wrote it? Ick. Maybe it’s the start of a societal trend away from sexual repression? Thanks for the hilarious review- you saved me the wasted money & torture (& not good torture, either- 😉

  1. Pingback: HOLY CRAP! Or, Fifty Shades. « Silly wrong but vivid right

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