Why Do I Hate This So?

There is one thing that really irritates me more than anything. I mean bugs the CRAP out of me! What is it, you may ask? It’s when I am carrying something or putting something in the car, or unloading my trash at the dump and a man comes over to help. I absolutely HATE it! Yes, I know they are just trying to be nice, but I CAN DO IT MYSELF! If I ask for your help, okay, fine. But if I am doing it myself, I do not need your help thankyouverymuch!*

There is a song by Ani DiFranco called Not a Pretty Girl that sums my feelings up nicely:

“…I ain’t no damsel in distress-

and I don’t need to be rescued –

so put me down, punk.

Wouldn’t you prefer a maiden fair?

Isn’t there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere?”

I hate it that just because I am a woman, men perceive me as weak. Example: On Monday, we bought the chimnea I talked about in the last post. It came in a rather large box, but was not overly heavy. First the store owner wanted to help us get it to the car (which was across the street), and I politely declined. I hefted the box up and walked it there myself. Then, a guy came running out of another store to help me get it in the car – which I was having no trouble at all doing myself. He started asking if we could put our seats down, and I said yes, but we didn’t need to, and proceeded to fit the thing nicely and easily onto the back seat. I am not mentally challenged. I can figure things out for myself.

We are two women who run a household together very well without any men** (SHOCKER) there to help, and even though neither one of us is manly.  We mow or own lawn, fix whatever needs to be fixed, put together whatever needs putting together – all on our own. We built our fence out back and laid the floor in our kitchen (among numerous other things) BY OURSELVES. No men were involved, whatsoever.

I was brought up to be able to take care of myself, and that is what I do. D finds it funny that I get so upset by this because it doesn’t bother her in the least. For me, it’s a put-down. It’s an insult when someone tries to help when I am very capable of doing it myself.

How do you feel about this? I wonder if one of us was butch, would these men still feel the need to help? Do you have experience with this?

* I’m not rude about it, and I let them help if they insist, but I seethe about it for the rest of the day, and apparently long after that too!

** Yes, Big D is a man now, but he normally doesn’t help with any projects or anything around the house. I have nothing against men. I am against them thinking I cannot do something because I am a woman.



About thelesbiannextdoor

I am a 41 year old lesbian, living with her wife in a small town. I have a 23 year old step-son. Who knows, I could be your neighbor ;) (Unless you know for sure your neighbor is not a lesbian - then I'm probably not!)

Posted on May 30, 2012, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. I don’t get this a whole lot (men trying to help me with stuff). Maybe the people here aren’t as nice 😉 That’s really what I take it is…just being nice. But I’m a small person so usually when I’m struggling with something, I really am and it’s nice to be offered some help. I attribute holding doors open for women to being raised with good manners. Is that wrong? 🙂

  2. I should say, people holding doors open for people. Gender shouldn’t come into play when talking about good manners.

    • Yes, I guess it is good manners, but it sort of seems like a slight to me.

      I’m not sure where this comes from, but D will probably say it’s my dad in me. He is stubborn and likes to do things himself too – and gets grumpy when people try to help. I think it also comes from the fact that because I am a lesbian, I feel like I always have to prove something. Almost like I am constantly showing my family can run just as well as a straight couple. (if not better at times! ;))

  3. Sometimes I wish I had that problem! I remember buying a huge stack of books on my first week at university, and having to haul them back to my dorm in 90-degree heat, and wishing that someone would have offered to help me carry them. I had welts on my hands when I finally got back to my room. Help would have been equally appreciated from a man or a woman – and I was far too embarrassed to ask anyone.

    Though, I completely get what you’re saying. It’s irritating to be seen as helpless when you clearly are not. I had a neighbor once who would insist on trying to help me start the lawnmower, which was something I was perfectly capable of doing. More than anything, I felt he was just being condescending. Maybe it’s the attitude of the helper – I feel sometimes men do these things because they want something in return, whether it’s sexual attention or just a feeling of superiority – whether they consciously know it or not.

    • I totally get why you would need help there! I would have helped! You’re right, if I really need the help, I will accept it. But if I don’t – I feel like people should leave me alone! 🙂
      LOL! I sound like such a bitch! (I’m not, I swear!)

      That would annoy the crud out of me if my neighbor insisted on starting my mower! Sorry to hear he does that to you!

  4. This post reminds me of the time I lived in a share house, and the He of the scenario thought he had the tool monopoly (no pun intended there)! I had to fight him to do everything, and then one by one my tools went missing! Never again. But hey, I accept there are times men need to feel useful (and when I might need help), so I’ve possibly loosened up a little since then 🙂

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