Every time I come here, I see my description of myself to the right as femme, and I ask myself, does that really describe me? I guess it depends on your definition of femme. I was once described as “sporty femme” by a friend of mine, but I am not sporty at all. If you think of a person who hates sports a lot, look even further past them, because there I’ll be 😉 I like to shoot some hoops from time to time in the back yard, but ask me to watch a game with you, and I will probably fall asleep on the spot!

If your definition of femme is someone who wears high fashion clothes, skirts, high heels, and lots of make-up, well that isn’t me at all! I wear a little make up, but I can’t stand high heels or skirts/dresses. I think I have my own style – one that definitely leans more toward the feminine than the masculine. D is the same way, only she used to wear high heels and skirts all the time until the heels basically killed her feet and she had to get surgery.

My questions for you are:

What do you picture when someone says they are femme?

What do you picture when someone says they are butch?

Do you get mad when you meet a person and they don’t fit the definition they described themselves as?

Do you use them to describe yourself?

Do you think these are just labels and shouldn’t be used at all?

Ready? Go!


About thelesbiannextdoor

I am a 42 year old lesbian, living with her wife in a small town. I have a 24 year old step-son. Who knows, I could be your neighbor ;) (Unless you know for sure your neighbor is not a lesbian - then I'm probably not!)

Posted on May 18, 2012, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. What do you picture when someone says they are femme?
    A girly-looking girl 🙂 “High femme” is lipstick and high heels, femme is just your average girl-next-door type.

    What do you picture when someone says they are butch?
    Swagger and short hair 🙂 A more typically-masculine look and attitude.

    Do you get mad when you meet a person and they don’t fit the definition they described themselves as?
    Mad, no. Confused…perhaps. Although I’ve met some butches who were pretty ‘femme’ on the inside and vice versa.

    Do you use them to describe yourself?
    I think of myself as a ‘chapstick’ lesbian lol. Femme is fine to describe me though. Butch doesn’t fit.

    Do you think these are just labels and shouldn’t be used at all?
    I’m fine with labels, although they’re not always necessary.

  2. We are in a butch femme relationship. I’m a femme, and I like dresses and heels, but more often than not I’m on jeans and t-shirts. My partner is butch, and loves trendy guys clothes. But we both believe people’s identity is personal–you are what you identify as. So no, we have no feelings other than interest regarding other peoples id’s.

    • This sort of describes my relationship!

    • My ex is butch, so we fell into that category. It turned out that the relationship wasn’t right for me. Not because she was butch (although I am more attracted to feminine women) but because she was a cheating, lying ho 🙂

      Being in a feminine/feminine relationship can be tricky because people never know we are a couple! I also detest when people ask “which one is the man?” I can’t stand that! Neither of us are men. We are women, through and through. I also think people think that just because someone is butch, that they are the “man” in the relationship, and that isn’t it at all (or at least it wasn’t for my relationship with my ex). Just because someone is butch, doesn’t mean they are any less of a woman. When people would assume she was “the man” in the relationship, it would piss me off! I don’t want a man, nor do I need one. I fell for a woman, not a clothes or hair style.

      Why does the world automatically think the only thing that works for a relationship is a male and female (even if the partners are male/male or female/female)? I think it might be because for men, they always see it as black and white. One is the giver, one the receiver. They can’t wrap their heads around the fact that two people can be in an EQUAL relationship.

      Sorry for going off on a tangent there! Guess I got carried away!

  3. I hate labels. I also detest the necessity for lesbians to somehow fit into a mould… the butch/femme thing annoys me more than anything.

    I detest labels to the point that I don’t really say I’m a lesbian. I’ll go as far as saying I’m gay, but that’s about it.

    I wear skirts. I wear heels. I wear jeans. I wear skater shoes, I wear vests and checked shirts. Some days I spend hours blow drying my hair. Other days I’ll pull a brush through it and go.

    To me, femme and butch are the extremes, and the images are conjured up from plasticky soft porn sites – over the top makeup, over the top masculinity.

    If someone wants to use those labels to describe themselves, then that’s fine. It’s also fine if they don’t fit their description. Just don’t use them to describe me…

    • I agree with you on some levels, except I don’t mind certain labels. I love being a lesbian, so if people call me that, it’s all good! 🙂

      The only labels I don’t really like are the butch/femme ones – only because there are so many variations to each, and it feels like it’s narrowed down too much. Like, you either are really masculine or really feminine. I agree that those labels represent the extremes of the spectrum, which is why I’m uneasy using femme to describe myself, even though I am feminine.

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