What a whiny bi-atch!

I was a whiny bi-atch  yesterday in my post. Whine, whine, blah, blah! Sorry for that. I went home from work last night and we had an amazingly low-key evening, just what we needed! We didn’t do house projects or class projects or anything else. We took our walk after supper (we haven’t even had time for that over the last 2 weeks or so) and we settled down and watched some TV when we got home. Pure bliss!

A lot of blogs are talking about same-sex parenting today, so I thought I would jump on the bandwagon. As I’ve said before, I met D when Big D was 9, and so I had an instant family at the age of 27. It was weird in the beginning, suddenly being half of a parenting couple to a kid I had just met a few months before. It was a delicate balance, as I was trying to let Big D know I am an extra parent, but still wanted him to have a relationship with his bio-dad. (Since then A LOT has changed!)

I had some bumps, finding myself parenting the way that I was parented (yelling vs nurturing) but D snapped me out of that! I was/am the more strict parent, but if you knew Big D, you would see that neither one of us is that strict. I have been more quick to get angry, and being with D has taught me to slow down, breathe, and think before I snap at him. I’ve written on here a few times that I have had my moments where I have yelled at him, but I have learned from my mistakes and I am so much better at recognizing when I have been too harsh, and apologizing to Big D.  (Granted I have only snapped at him a handful of times over 7.5 years!) When those times have happened, I talked to him about why I reacted the way I did, and that I need to work on being less like my dad, and more like the mom he deserves. He’s a very mature kid, and he understands.

D’s parenting is just like hers was: gentle, kind and nurturing. She is an amazing mother and we both agree that we make a great parenting pair. She is very gentle, and I am just strict enough to keep Big D from becoming a spoiled brat.

This leads to the question about why I believe we should not have another one. Have I always wanted a child of my own? Yes. Would it be possible with D? I don’t think so. We tried to TTC a few years ago. She was never 100% on board. There were days when she was 75% on board (ah the good ‘ol days!) – but it caused a lot of stress on our marriage. I was crushed with each BFN, and she wanted to comfort me, but not really wanting another child, she was conflicted. It’s not that she was happy that I was sad, but she knew she did not want to start all over again with another child. Big D was high needs as a baby and never slept at night (he had his days and nights backwards). She felt like she had to do everything herself, and got little to no help from Big D’s Donor (his bio-dad who he no longer speaks with). So when we decided to try, her fears were that she would end up doing everything again and Big D had just started to become independent. I get that. I really do. But I was focused on MY dreams, my wanting to be a mom. It nearly crushed us. We were, for the first time in our relationship, looking at each other from a million miles away.

So why would I want to be with someone who didn’t want to help me fulfill my dream? It’s simple really: because I love her. It’s the same reason she decided to TTC with me, even though she really didn’t want to. Relationships are about a give and take. They’re about compromise. We decided to try 3 times, and if it didn’t work, we wouldn’t try again. In reality we only tried twice – partly because of financial reasons – but mostly because the stress was so high between us that I couldn’t stand to go through it anymore. We talked about it again a few times over the course of the last 7 years, but we never did try again. Because I can’t stand to be another couple that breaks up after the baby is born. Because I know it’s not something she wants. Even though she has said that she would have stayed with me, no matter how hard it became, I don’t want that for her. I want her to be happy, not tied down.

As the years have gone on, my desire to TTC has become less and less. I see now that it would be very hard on us if we added a baby. I see the emotional and financial toll it can take – and I started to focus on taking care of Big D and being the best step-mom I could be for him. After all the crap that went down with his “Donor”, he really needed that. He has two loving moms, and he knows that we are both there for him no matter what. Most of all I have realized something big: I AM a mother. I may not have held him in my tummy or in my arms when he was a baby, but he is mine and always will be 🙂



About thelesbiannextdoor

I am a 42 year old lesbian, living with her wife in a small town. I have a 24 year old step-son. Who knows, I could be your neighbor ;) (Unless you know for sure your neighbor is not a lesbian - then I'm probably not!)

Posted on September 20, 2011, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. I really think there is nothing wrong with shifting your priorities, and if you feel your desire for a strong, stable marriage is greater than your desire for a child, even if just by a hair, I think you’ve made the right choice. It actually seems like you may have dodged a bullet!

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