Feelings about not TTC’ing
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about where D and I would be as a couple if we were actively trying to conceive, or if when we did try, it had actually worked. (We would have a 2 or 3 year old running around!) It’s weird to think about, but I have come to a pretty big conclusion – we would most likely not be together. Sure, she would have stayed around for a while, but I am convinced it would have made her miserable. I like to think in my more optimistic moments that she would have had a change of heart and fallen madly in love with our child and we would live happily ever after, but I highly doubt that would be the case. We have joked about it before, and we both think she would have been very unhappy had it worked. She has always said she would have stayed no matter what, but I’m not sure that’s true.
A few of the moms from the blogs I follow have split up, or come close to splitting up after the baby came. At the very least, they have felt like they lost their “couple-dom”. I don’t know if it would have been different for us because we already have Little D, but it probably wouldn’t have been. Some non-bio moms have expressed a weird feeling of being less than, or left out. I, for one, have had many of these feelings in the past when it comes to Little D. I have expressed them, sometimes not so gently, to my wife and we have talked them through. We made it through, I think, because Little D is not a newborn. The stress of dealing with a baby makes everything heightened, and I’m not sure we could have made it – and that scares the living crap out of me to think about!
The difference between D and I is I have always wanted to be a mom, and she has not. She loves Little D something fierce, and would never turn back the clock, but I think if the baby was not biologically hers, she would not feel connected to it, and consequently, not feel connected to me. This is all conjecture of course – but it really makes me think about my choice not to TTC.
I love D with all my heart. We have a wonderful life together and will soon ( in another year) be sending Little D off to college (can you believe it?!). We have had a lot of time together, and are working our way out of debt together quickly (I’ll talk about this in another post.) We have a beautiful home and we have everything we could ever ask for, including an amazing relationship filled with love and laughter and an awesome son (even if he isn’t biologically mine).
When I weigh the pros and cons of having my own child, right now the cons outweigh the pros. When I weigh the pros and cons of keeping life as it is and enjoying what I do have, the pros win hands down. I never thought I would feel this way. I never thought I would not have a child of my own. But now, after the last few months when my biological clock has not been ticking out of control, I’ve been able to step back and take a closer look. And for right now, I choose my wife. Who knows how long this will last, but I know we are enjoying it while we can!
I want to thank everyone here in the blog world for being so open about the issues having a baby together brings up. It helps the ones of us out there who are in the process of deciding whether or not to TTC. Raising kids is hard. Staying together when everything seems to be in an upheaval is harder. Thank you for sharing your stories. Thank you for not censoring it to make it seem like it is all kittens and roses.
I know there are a lot of positives to having a baby. I am so happy for all of you out there who have gotten to realize that dream. But for me, I am starting to realize that it may never happen…and I am seriously okay with that….for now:)