I’m interested in knowing more about your relationship with Little D and how he feels about having 2 moms (or at least a mom and a stopmom).
That’s a very good question! When D and I first met, Little D was 9. His extended family and his father were very homophobic. We waited a long time to even tell him that we were together. In fact, I think he was the last to know, even though we lived together, his mom and I shared a bed, and he knew I was gay. For some reason it never crossed his mind that his mom was gay, even though he tells us now that he caught us kissing once:)
When we first came out to him it was a few months before our Civil Union ceremony. We knew he had to know by then. Little D and I were still kind of feeling each other out at that point. D had a job that kept her away some nights, and I had to take care of Little D, and it did not always go so smoothly. It was hard. When D told him about us, he was at first upset that his father would be mad and worried about what he might do. Then, after his father found out, and was pissed, he would tell Little D to be mean to me. (This was back when he would see his father every other weekend). So that was a very difficult time. We talked to Little D and worked it all out, but it took a while.
In the beginning, he didn’t want anyone to know about us. He was scared he would be teased, even though he finally accepted me. He was a part of our CU ceremony, and even wrote a really sweet speech to me. (I wrote him one as well). The first time I went to a parent-teacher conference, he got very mad. But I explained to him that I was his step-mom now, and I had to go to certain things. When he saw that his teacher didn’t treat him differently, and no one else did either, he lightened up about it. I continued to show up to all of his school functions with his mother. We never openly said we were together unless someone outright asked how we were related. We worked our way in, without being pushy about it.
Little D and I have a great relationship now. He comes into our room before bed a lot and lays across the bottom of our bed and talks to us. It’s cute because he’s done this since he was 9, and he still does it at 15:) While he is aware that most, if not all of his friends and their parents know about us, he still has a time or two where he worries. If the mothers of his friends don’t know by now, they are very thick! Three of the moms definitely know, and ask about D when I am at a football game (or other football function) by myself, and they see us together all the time.
Now that he is interested in girls, some interesting topics have come up. He is shy about telling us about his crushes (understandable), but we asked him if he was afraid to tell the girl he likes that he has 2 moms, he said, “No! I wouldn’t date a homophobe! She’s cool about that sort of thing.” So while we’re not sure if he told her, I think at least they’ve talked about such things.
He’s often expressed over the years to us that he is very lucky to have two moms, and he has come a long way and accepts us. He was a part of our wedding this year, and was great! Of course, he is a teenager, and is embarrassed by his parents just like everyone else, so now we are coming into a different set of issues:)
So, I guess we have had our ups and downs with his being open about us in terms of the outside world, but in our home and around family, he is very accepting.
I think my experience is a bit different than most because I came into this late. I think it would have been a lot different if I was around when he was born and we raised him together since then.
We’ve never had anyone negatively react to us, and we live in a very small town!
It’s been an evolution – but a good one!:)