Questions, questions

I have always wanted my own child. Ever since I was 12 years old, I knew I wanted to be a mom. Now, all these years later, I am a step-mom (which is wonderful, BTW), but I don’t feel like a “mom”. Not 100% anyway.

Like I’ve said before, my wife does not want any more children. She knows of my strong desire, and allowed us to try 2 times 3 years ago. Obviously it didn’t work (although I got a faint positive the first time). We decided to stop trying for a while at that point because we were a wreck. She wasn’t 100% into it, and I could tell. Over the last few years, we have talked about it briefly, and it hasn’t changed much. Once in a while she’d say, okay, let’s do it! And then I’d chicken out. I don’t want to lose her!

My feelings on the subject have been waxing and waning. One day I wake up, and I’m perfectly happy the way things are. And then other days, like today for example, I yearn for it again. It may be due to the fact that 2 of my Face*book friends just announced they are pregnant…..who knows? I wish I could just make up my mind one way or the other!

Then there are other factors to consider. 2 of my 7 nephews are on the Aut*ism spectrum. The oldest, J, is 17 and has As*bergers Syndrome, lives with my parents, and is a complete handful, to put it mildly. (I have another post in the works about J). The other one, N, is 6, and more severely Autistic. He doesn’t speak much, gets obsessed with doing things repetitively (like flushing the toilet) and has tantrums that leave all other people involved bloody and bruised. I love them both dearly, but don’t want that curse.
So here are the questions plaguing me:

1) If I do get pregnant, how likely is it that my wife will come 100% on board?

2) After the baby is born, will our relationship change drastically? Especially since we already know how we operate as parents together?

3) Since my 2 blood siblings each have a child with some form of Aut*ism, what are the chances I will have one too?? (My sister has 3 other boys, all without health problems, and my brother also has another boy without problems)

4) If we did have a child with Aut*ism, could we handle it?

5) What if we went through with it, and then I regretted it?

6) Would my wife resent me?

So as you can see, I am very torn on the subject, and would appreciate any input you have:)

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About thelesbiannextdoor

I am a 40 year old lesbian, living with her wife in a small town. I have a 22 year old step-son. Who knows, I could be your neighbor ;) (Unless you know for sure your neighbor is not a lesbian - then I'm probably not!)

Posted on June 22, 2010, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. So many questions…I feel like I should just email you, but I’ll attempt them here…

    1) If I do get pregnant, how likely is it that my wife will come 100% on board? I think it depends on her personality. As you know, I wasn’t 100% on board with the idea at first…until we started trying. Then it was like, MUST HAVE THIS! I 100% wanted it to work and I was 100% looking forward to the baby once it did work. That fact that you tried in the past and she got more scared than not probably speaks to the future.

    2) After the baby is born, will our relationship change drastically? Especially since we already know how we operate as parents together? Again, it really depends on each of your personalities and, as question #6 asks, if she would resent you. While you know how to operate as parents together, this child was already in the picture and she had already done some of the ‘raising’ (I don’t know how old the child is). I’ll answer this question as posed to us soon on our blog to let you know what changed in our relationship, but the bottom line is that our relationship was really strong before, and is really strong now.

    3) Since my 2 blood siblings each have a child with some form of Aut*ism, what are the chances I will have one too?? (My sister has 3 other boys, all without health problems, and my brother also has another boy without problems) I believe your chances are higher, but I don’t know how much higher. Autism is also much more likely in boys than girls.

    4) If we did have a child with Aut*ism, could we handle it? A good question to ask yourself….either way, you know that part of the answer is that there is no turning back regardless. If you have to handle it, you have to handle it.

    5) What if we went through with it, and then I regretted it? Again, there is no turning back. You would have to live with your regret while trying to be the best parent you could be. You can’t focus on the regret either. There are moments of regret for me, I won’t lie, but it is not my focus and being a good parent to my son is.

    6) Would my wife resent me? I assume this is another rhetorical question 🙂 Only she knows…and she may not even know until it happens.

    What I get most of all from your post is this- she is not ready. She may never be ready. So where you stand right now is at an impasse- you want a kid, she doesn’t. Could you ever be ok with not having a kid? Can you 100% commit to that? Or is it worth it to move on if having a kid is a dream of yours that you simply cannot put aside?

    • Thank you for taking the time to address my questions Strawberry! I really do appreciate it. (and I look forward to reading more on your blog)

      I really believe that if I did get pregnant, my wife would be 100% behind me. We have an extremely strong relationship. Deep down I know she won’t leave me, but it still worries me! And would she resent me? Well, I don’t think so, but I can’t know for sure. She’s just never had that urge to have children. (She was married to a man before, that’s how she got pregnant). But she is an amazing mother! The best I’ve ever known! And she loves our son so very much, so I know she would be excellent with another one.

      As for all the rest, I am sure I could handle it if the child had autism, and with small regrets. I definitely could not imagine life without my wife or our son. He’s 15 by the way, and was 9 when I met them, so I never got the “baby experience” – or all the experiences of going to functions at school, etc…you know, “mom stuff”. It took a while to really feel like he’s my son too – so that was hard, but now it’s great! I did get to go to a few things for him (and still do), but I really want the experience from the beginning, you know?

      I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what happens. When we talk about it again in a serious manner……maybe I’ll decide I’m okay with not having one (as I feel sometimes in spurts), or maybe when our son goes to college in 2 years, she’ll want another one:)

  2. “Deep down I know she won’t leave me, but it still worries me! And would she resent me? Well, I don’t think so, but I can’t know for sure. She’s just never had that urge to have children.”

    I never had the urge to have a child either. What it came down to was that Nutella was going to have a baby…so was I going to be in the picture or not? She is more important to me than anything, so I sucked up my fears and reservations and decided to go for it wholeheartedly. I will say this though…

    I do NOT want another child. But thank GOODNESS Nutella feels the same way because I don’t know what would happen if she didn’t!

    Because I made the decision to be with her and to be a parent…I do not resent her at all. It was my decision to be where I am. I think if you give an ultimatum (not that you’re going to, but if it comes down to something like that) and your wife agrees to do it, she needs to know that it is her decision, too. And that any resentment she may feel because of it should be in general or because of her decision, but not directed at YOU.

    Anyway…the only other thing I have to add is that I know couples who wanted a child or a second child and one was pressuring the other and things kind of blew up. Once the person who really wanted the child took a step back and stopped talking about it, the other person eventually came around. That’s not going to happen all the time, but in case you find yourself ‘going there’, it might be worth a shot.

    • That is kind of what happened, and it sort of freaked me out!:) It was about a year ago and she just said “Let’s do it!” and I chickened out! Now I wish i had taken her up on it!

      I feel now like if it is meant to be, it will be…..hopefully we’ll get there someday:)

      Once again, thank you so much for your comments – they really do help to sort through the process.

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