Sometimes when I am lying in bed at night going to sleep, I am all of a sudden aware of the weird, but comfortable position I am in. I thought it would be fun to share some with you.
First we have the two stomach positions:
Both of these are personal favorites. The Thinker is so comfortable! But I sometimes wonder why I have my fist up under my chin when I am falling asleep.
Sassy Pants Old Lady – believe it or not this is a stomach position. My right hand is not touching my nether regions, it is supporting my hip, which sometimes aches – hence the old lady reference.
And finally we have the one back-sleeping position in my repertoire:
This position is also comfy, but only for short periods of time. I am, by far, a stomach sleeper, but I normally start out with The Champion, followed by Sassy Pants Old Lady, and then eventually I fall asleep in The Thinker position
So what about you? What are your favorite sleep positions?
I am not an artist. Please be kind about my beautiful representations that took me several minutes in the paint application in windows
I have been super busy as per usual, and have not been able to get myself over here to blog. BAD TLND! Something happened this morning that has stuck with me all day and I can’t shake it out of my head, so what better thing to do than blog about it?
It’s really hard being a woman some days. I work in an office setting, and in my area there are my three bosses and me. We live in perfect harmony with no issues. Down the hall is an office of cubicles of women, and they don’t always get along. One thing they can always be counted on to agree on though is that everyone should be on a diet or be trying to lose weight, no matter what you look like. This is not an office of overly hefty females. All but two are average heights and weights. It irks me when I hear them talking about it and when they have competitions to lose weight.
There is a woman who works on the second floor who used to be very large. Over the last several years she has dropped a ton of weight and now probably weighs close to 90 lbs. She’s 5 foot tall. I mean, she has no fat on her whatsoever! She has some muscle and she is always working out. Good for her, right? Well, this morning she was talking to one of the women down the hall (one who could lose a little weight and has been trying to) and she said “I’m so mad! T lost 5 lbs and I gained 2!” Now just wait a minute here. T is trying to lose weight to be healthier and has lost 28 lbs so far and has a way to go. You, and your tiny, 90lb ass are gonna come in here and tell her you’re mad that she LOST WEIGHT she has been trying to lose and you gained weight that probably would be good for you to gain??? So instead of all the women telling the 90lb woman that she’s nuts, they all start asking her what she’s been doing for exercise so they can figure out why she gained weight!!!!!! They started talking about what she could do different, etc., and it made ME SO MAD!!! T even said “Yeah, we should all just start calling her Lardass.” (She was joking, of course).
I couldn’t take it, I had to get out of there. I have a hard time accepting my body the way it is, and giving myself praise over accomplishments. I have lost 11 FREAKING POUNDS! That is so awesome! I only have about 8 more before I hit my goal. I look amazing! I am building muscle! I have great energy and stamina! I have a great percentage of body fat, and I am at a good place for my height. So why can’t I feel happy about that? Why can’t I feel in shape -which I am?!
Why? Because of women like the ones who work down the hall. Because of magazines and movies and commercials and TV shows. Because you can’t be a woman in the world without feeling horrible about yourself.
I’m taking this as a sign to turn this around in my head. I am beautiful. If even the tiniest of women has a problem with her body, it’s gotten worse than I thought. From now on, I am going to start saying that to myself, instead of “you could stand to lose that little bit of fat”.
I am challenging all of you, my dear readers – big, small, male, female, whatever you are – I am challenging you to love yourself. Love yourself for exactly who you are at this moment. Don’t look in the mirror and pick out all the things you want to change. Instead, look in the mirror and pick out all the things that are wonderful about you. You are beautiful, no matter what you weigh. You are worth it.
And one more thing – throw out that scale. It doesn’t dictate your worth.
Well hello dear readers! I have been a busy bee and unable to update here as often as I would like. But, being that today is National Coming Out Day, I thought I should pop over and say hi
Last year I wrote the story of when and how I came out to my parents, but when I was thinking about this today, I really came out before that to my best friend. I’ve written about V before here, but it was so long ago, I will tell a bit of the story again.
I was 17 and just beginning my senior year of high school. V was an exchange student from France that was living with the gym teacher and his wife, who was the cheer-leading coach. Cheering was huge at my high school. We had been state champs 6 years in a row at that point. Anyway, she was at cheering practice when I pulled up to the school and saw her there. We met and the coach asked me to take V home, as she was tired and bored. Let me say again this was the first time I ever met her! I agreed and drove her home.
V barely spoke any English, and she awkwardly asked me to come inside. I went in and we sat in the kitchen, trying to talk to each other. She then offered me a banana. They were green, but I couldn’t figure out how to explain that they weren’t ripe yet. We each tried to peel our banana, with no success, and she finally got out a knife. Once we got enough of the skin off, we both took a bite at the same time, and you should have seen our faces! She spit hers out, and we both started laughing. I was trying so hard to be polite that I tried to eat an unripe banana! That day was just the first of many, many days we spent together that year. We became best friends (and still laughed about that story for years).
Then it happened, as it inevitably did with almost all of my best friends: I fell for her. I think my crush was heightened due to the fact that she would tease me and make me feel like I actually had a chance with her. That entire year was torture for me because I was definitely not out, and was just putting the pieces together about why I wasn’t happy dating men. You know those crush feelings? Where you always believe something will happen and it is sweet bliss coursing through you? Yeah, that was how I felt for about 9 months. Then, one night, we came this close to doing something about it. We didn’t have sex, but what we did do, she was very into. We stopped, I only assume because it scared us both. That was in 1995, and the world was a lot less accepting of gay people than it is now. The next day, she wouldn’t talk to me. I was devastated because I thought we had finally made a break through. When we finally did talk, she said she wasn’t into it, it scared her, and that she’s not gay. It broke my heart. I admitted that I did enjoy it, but that it wouldn’t happen again, and I wanted us to remain close. She agreed.
Over the next few months, she kept flirting and giving me false hope. She began to kiss me when we saw each other sometimes (not long kisses, but kisses nonetheless) and even practiced giving hickies on my stomach. (She used the ruse that she was practicing for guys, yeah right!) I was head over heels for her. It was definitely the first time I felt anything romantic for anyone.
Just before she left, I made a video of her in all of our favorite places. I still have it. In one part, she was sitting at the top of the hill in our cemetery – one of our favorite places to go – talking about our year, and she said “I don’t regret anything.” I knew what she meant at that moment, and I couldn’t believe my ears. The next day, I went to her house to say goodbye, and there in her driveway I said the words I had never said to anyone. I said, “I don’t want to scare you, but I think I am bi.” (I didn’t use the word gay yet, not until 2 years later). She didn’t seem surprised at all and I think she even said she had guessed it. How could she not?!
Unfortunately she didn’t come out to me too that day, but she did accept me and gave me a hug. She came back to visit a year later with her boyfriend and was trying to be flirty, but by then I was over it and onto someone new.
Whenever I think about my coming out story, I always think of V. She is the reason I realized who I am! I would not change that for anything. She’s married now and has at least one child, and I haven’t spoken to her in years. She will always be a part of me no matter what.
At the time I wanted nothing more than to be with her forever. Oh, how naive we are at that age! I am very glad we never became a couple because who knows where I would be right now? I am very happy with the way my life turned out. V helped me figure out a lot of things about myself, but ultimately she wasn’t the one. That place was saved for my one and only love – my wife
Happy National Coming Out Day everyone!!
A few months back, I gave myself a weight loss challenge. I challenged myself to lose 10 lbs in 60 days. If I didn’t lose anything, I would see the doctor to find out why.
I consider myself to be fairly fit. If you met me in real life, you would think I was of a normal height and weight – but when I look in the mirror, I see some lbs to lose. So I started out 70 days ago, and so far I have lost 8 -9 lbs. I didn’t quite reach my goal, but I am ecstatic that something is finally working! (I also definitely lost inches too and I can tell my face has slimmed down.) D is a tiny peanut and doesn’t need to lose an ounce – but she has lost at least 5lbs!
Over the last several years, D and I have tried various fitness programs. We’ve walked, run (eh-hem – tried to run), done the 30-day shred (and successfully killed our ankles!), done Power 90, done various Pilates and other workout videos, all with limited success.
I have been up and down with the same 10-15lbs over the last few years. My parents are big. Okay, let’s be honest, they are fat. Both of them. I am scared to death of turning out like my mother in particular, who has never been able to keep weight off, even with the lap-band surgery.
This is all to say that D and I have been trying so hard to find something we both like to do, since we love being with each other and motivating each other. This was a double edged sword because she would see results, and I would be stuck and feel crappy.
We have now found the key to success: finding what we each like to do, and do it separately. This is huge for us.
Several months ago my doctor told me if I wanted to lose weight, I would have to do 3 times as much as I normally did (since my body was use to exercise and because of my genetics). So D and I came up with plans:
My routine (Monday through Saturday) looks like this:
- Get up at 5:30 am when D gets up to get ready for work (later on Saturdays since we don’t work this day).
- Make the bed, put socks on, put bra on, put my hair up (I also the wear shorts and tee-shirt that I sleep in – in case you were imagining a mostly naked person! ).
- Go downstairs and get sneakers on and water bottle out of fridge.
- Pet the cat good morning
- Go into our workout room and do a minute or two of moving stretches.
- Strap on my boxing gloves and smash the crap out of the reflex boxing bag and the heavy bag. (I do this for 20-30 minutes – longer on Saturdays – awesome workout and fun!)
- On Tuesdays and Thursdays I alternate hitting the bags and using the weight bench for 5 minute intervals for 20-30 minutes.
- 5 minutes of crunches/pushups/planks.
- 2-3 minutes of stretches.
- Eat breakfast of 2 eggs (sometimes a little fruit too), or a piece of broccoli quiche.
- Walk for 30 minutes at lunch.
- Walk for 30 minutes with D after supper.
- Sundays are my rest day.
I only weigh-in every 60 days. I found this to be crucial because the loss has been slow and steady, and I wouldn’t have seen it one week in. I plan to up the amount of time I exercise as to not plateau.
- After supper walk with M (30 minutes)
- After walk use the weight bench for 20-30 minutes
- Shadow box with free-weights
Both of us have been eating smaller portions at dinner (which was our vise), and I have been eating much more fruits and vegetables and staying away from the sweets and cakes.
I am really proud of myself, as I have done this routine, with only taking 2 days off for a stiff neck, for the past 70 days! I feel great, I look great, and I am excited to see how much progress I will make in the next 60 days! My ultimate goal is to be down another 10 lbs by November 15th when my physical is. If my arms keep getting bigger at the rate they have, I will be BUFF by then!! Hahaha!
I wrote this all out to keep myself accountable, and to see that I do feel great in case I don’t lose any more weight.
I don’t want to stop the momentum since winter is right around the corner and I am very prone to seasonal depression. Last year was really hard for me with my parents moving away and all, so this year I plan to be the best year yet! Wish me luck!
Today is a very, very special day! Why? Because it is my awesome wife’s birthday!
43 years ago today the light of my life was born into this world. She is so amazing, caring, special and kind.
D, I love you with all of my heart – to the moon and back! You are the best friend, wife and lover I could not ask for more! We walk through life together as true partners and I am so happy that you chose me
I hope you have a wonderful day today and I cannot wait to see your cute little birthday face tonight!
I am alive, I have just been very busy lately. Classes are in full swing, and therefore the class I am taking this semester is in full swing. It’s a writing class and it meets 3 days a week. It’s more about the technicalities of writing than it is about creative writing. We do have an assignment, due on Monday, to take some of our own writing and revise it – so I am looking forward to that. I wish we could share more of our own stuff with the class and get feedback – now that would be so fun! I am enjoying it, even if it’s not completely what I was looking for. I’m always up for learning how to make my writing better. And getting to know some students better is a plus too.
D and Big D are also taking classes, so our house is abuzz with homework and talk of what went on that day. Big D LOVES it here so far, which surprises me a bit because this is a liberal arts school and the last place was a technical college – which are two very different types of learning. It also surprises me that he loves it because, well, I am here. No one wants their mom around when they are trying to be the big man on campus! This doesn’t seem to bother him either, and I even ran into him one day on the sidewalk and he actually walked with me and talked to me! He’s also stopped in to say hi a bunch of times. WOW!
D has been away for the last 2 days for a work function, and I miss her so much! She comes back tomorrow and I cannot wait to kiss her all over her little face! I miss going to bed and waking up with her too. There’s nothing better than a nice warm hug and kiss when you wake up in the morning. Kissing her pillow does not have the same effect. You know you have a really great relationship when a) the other person can go away for a few days and you have zero feeling that they will be cheating while they are there, and b) you miss them like crazy and can’t wait to see them again. I love my wife so much! She is my best friend, lover and just overall rock of my life! I would be so lost without her!
On a completely different subject, the weather has begun to change here and it’s making me long to do some creative writing. I need ideas! If anyone is willing, I would love you to give me a word or an idea in the comments and I will write a story around it and post it here. I will try to keep it short * If you could help me out, I would really appreciate it!
*I did this before with my story The Truth, but I think I went on for too many posts and people got bored. I am still working on this story and hope to publish it someday.
** Sorry for jumping topics so much! My brain is not functioning properly on this Friday the 13th afternoon!
People call me Heather. Students, faculty, and staff. The only problem with that is that it’s not my name. My name starts with an M and is not as common as most M names, so you would think people could remember it. I have a nameplate on my desk plain as day. I’ve also been at my current job for 12 1/2 years, so I am not new – and not to brag – but I am pretty well known
There is a co-worker named Heather who works across the hall from me, but they were calling me Heather even when she wasn’t located so close. It baffles me. Maybe I look like a Heather? What does a Heather look like? The real Heather and I don’t look anything alike, so I don’t think they are confusing us.
What’s funny about this is that it doesn’t matter who it is, or if they have met me or my co-worker before. It is the only name I get called when people get my name wrong. It’s so weird! The best one is when they come in and say “Hi M, blah, blah, blah,” and then at the end of the conversation say “okay, see you later Heather!” Um, what? I know you know my name – you said it when you walked in! Or when I am walking across campus and someone yells to me “Hi Heather!” I usually wave and say hi, and then watch as they trip over themselves to correct it. I always tell them it’s okay and that everyone does it – but that doesn’t answer the question – why? I guess there are worse things I could be called
Another co-worker calls me “twitch-it” which I think is actually hilarious – and she’s known me since I was a student so I don’t mind
What about you? Do you get called something other than your name?
Due to my last post, I felt the need to tell the story about D, and our history with Public Displays of Affection (PDA).
For several weekends in the beginning of our relationship (we were long distance at that point), we stayed inside making love all day and night (this was before Big D visited with her). Then we decided we needed to get out into the world and see how we worked together outside of the bedroom. We found a little restaurant that we fell in love with and went to often. It was 2004, and there was a gay bar in the “city” I lived in. (I put quotes around city because if you knew this place you would laugh at that – but for our small state, that’s what it is.) It has since closed which sucks, but back then it was a thriving place. We went there whenever we could – which was at least one night a weekend. It was such a comfortable place, and D and I held hands, danced and made out furiously while there. We never felt threatened, even when a bunch of straight people came in. We figured if they were at a gay bar, then they knew they would see gay people together. We were told on several occasions we were such a cute couple, and on others we were told to “get a room!” I was happy she felt so comfortable with me.
So when she surprised me with a mid-week visit 6 months in, and we decided to walk around the “city”, I tried to hold her hand. She said no and I sort of freaked out a bit. You see, for the previous 4 and a 1/2 years, I was with a woman who was tightly in the closet – even though she was the butchest woman I had met. We always had to be careful of where we went and who saw us, and only once did we ever hold hands and steal a kiss in public. I once called her “hon” in front of her mother and almost had an anxiety attack after. It was tiring, scary and overwhelming. I said I would never date someone who was in the closet ever again. So when D wouldn’t hold my hand, I got offended and scared that I would never get that (hand holding in public) – and it was something I always wanted to have. She told me that she was never the kind of person to do PDA, even when she was with a man. She doesn’t like it and thinks it’s gross when others do it. (The exception being when we have a little alcohol in us.) I told her I wasn’t trying to make out with her, I just wanted to hold her hand. She promised she would try to work on it, and we left it at that.
You have to remember that she was 33 when we met, and I am the only woman she has ever dated. Her family was fiercely homophobic, and she was scared of others’ reactions. So I could kind of understand why she would be hesitant. Fast forward 9 1/2 years, and she still will not hold my hand in public (the exception being if she has had some whiskey – which only happens about once a year and always at night walking home when no one is around). It still makes her uneasy. When we first moved into our house, we were cautious for safety reasons. Our neighbors knew about us, but we were never in-your-face with anyone. I went to all of Big D’s school things, and we only told people when they asked out-right. Some people figured it out on their own, but even up until his senior year in high school, people were still confused about us. It used to bother me that no one really knew for sure, but I understand that for Big D’s sake we needed to be a little private.
It’s frustrating because it opens ourselves up to other things as well. What I mean is that men flirt with my wife in front of me. This is so uncomfortable for me, you cannot even imagine. Yes, my wife is beautiful, but she is MY wife. How do you say that to a male stranger who feels the need to hit on the love of your life? You never know if they will be furious, or turned on, or both!
I remember two instances in particular that really skeeved me out – but I sat there and did nothing because I know D is scared of others’ reactions. The first was one night several years ago. We stayed at a hotel for the night for a little romantic getaway close to home. They had karaoke going on downstairs, so we went to it to giggle and drink. We were sitting there, minding our own business, when a man (albeit a balding, middle aged, pot-bellied man) walked up to D and asked her to dance. She of course declined, but I was furious inside. He asked her if she was sure, and she said yes. I wanted to yell at him that she was mine! But I couldn’t, and I didn’t. As we were headed back to our room, she did hold my hand in the empty hallway. All of a sudden a drunk guy came out of another room down the hall behind us, saw us holding hands, and asked us to come have a drink with him. We said no, but he was insistent and started walking toward us, so we started running. We ran together all the way up the stairs and back to the room, and locked the door tight behind us. It was scary and funny at the same time.
The next time was when D had to get a CT scan of her belly because they thought she had kidney stones. We had to get there like 3 hours ahead of time so she could drink this concoction so the scan would pick up on it. While she’s lying there on the gurney and I’m sitting right next to her, the guy in the next bed starts chatting her up! He was asking her if she lived in (the town we live in) and said he had seen her at the dump. He even knew which car she drove! I sat there, boiling inside, and I am sure my face was getting red. He got called into the back, so that relieved the situation, but I was so jealous!
Nowadays we are more apt to correct them when they do it, but there are times when we just keep walking and don’t say anything. I wish I could just hold her freaking hand, so that people would know without having to ask! It would also let these men know that they cannot hit on her. She is not available. Maybe someday she will do it, but I won’t hold my breath.
On the flip side, we are very affectionate together in our home. We kiss, hug, playfully grab each others bottoms, and play wrestle. We make sure we kiss when we wake up, go to bed, leave each other for the day, and come home. We hold hands in bed at night and caress each other. We are always telling each other how much we love one another and we respect each other very much. I think that is why I haven’t pushed the PDA thing so much, because I do get lots of affection at home. It saddens me to think I will never ever be able to show my love for her to the world, but like I said, I respect her. It’s one of those conflicting things: I want her to hold my hand so people know and so I can feel close to her when we are out and about, but knowing how uncomfortable she is with it, I don’t push it. It’s her body, and if she doesn’t want me touching it, I don’t. For now, I will just keep dreaming of the day where she will slip her hand into mine and proudly show the world who we are.
D and I take a walk every night after supper. We usually take the same route around our town, and wave to a few people we know along the way. We love walking, and we love saying hi to these people, including a great couple that lives at the end of our block. They are both professors, and the woman works at my college. We stop and talk to them and say hi to their dog. The husband and I always joke about our wives. They are not the problem. Neither are any of the other several heterosexual people we meet and interact with on a day to day basis. I am in no way being discriminatory against straight people. I love straight people! In fact, they are the people I interact most with on a day to day basis (duh! they’re the majority). I say all of this before I go onto my next point because I don’t want anyone to think I don’t like straight people.
The thing I hate? The thing that makes my blood boil? When a (seemingly) straight couple walks towards us on the sidewalk and do not move over! We constantly move over for other couples walking, but we get the impression that because we are not holding hands, people don’t realize we are together and think we are just friends, so of course the “real” couple should get the whole damn sidewalk! I can’t count how many times I have moved over for a couple, and D has gotten ticked about it. She thinks I should just keep walking toward them until they move over, but I just can’t do it. I feel rude if I do. Some of it is just common courtesy – you see two people walking together and you move over a bit or walk single-file so you can pass comfortably. But more and more we see people holding hands walking together, and taking up the whole damn sidewalk no matter who else is trying to walk on it! I want to walk next to my wife, not in front of her! It would be one thing of we both (us and the other couples) moved over, but it’s quite another when only we do it. It seems unfair. It seems like a hetero privilege to me. Am I overreacting? UGH! Sometimes I wish I could just hold D’s hand walking up the street and see if there is a different reaction. That’s not going to happen anytime soon – so I will just have to keep dreaming.
In other news, I am working on a short lesbian (erotic ) story. Anyone interested in reading it? I will put it up password protected if I get enough interest.